Spock's Code
by Lhflu
Summary: Spock has had a problem since he was very young... Based on the TV show Dexter, but this is NOT a crossover. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

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I first realized my life was about to change three days before it happened.

I couldn't have known the extent of it. On the surface, the change was simply one of staff. No switching of personnel had ever caused a reaction in me. I had no reason to believe this one would be any different.

Even if I had known what was to happen, I wouldn't have 'beamed with excitement' at the thought of becoming more than I was.

Of course, most people would assume it was because of my Vulcan heritage. From childhood, we are told that our emotions are too fierce, and that we could hurt ourselves and others by letting them reign free.

But no other Vulcan is me. I am unique.

Of course, I am the first Vulcan-Human hybrid. Many people I have met, most from Vulcan and from Earth, have felt the need to comment on this singularity. Through these conversations, I have learned that many consider me an abomination and some consider me a messianic figure. Very few look upon me as simply a sentient being.

Although those who are looking for a deity are bound to be disappointed, those who believe I am the devil may be correct. For it isn't only my half-human genes that make me different than those around me. Most of my difference comes from those fierce emotions I am supposed to have.

The ones that I don't have.

I have been praised by some of my compatriots for being a perfect follower of Surak, fit for the Kohlinar. Those people might think differently if they knew I have never felt happiness or anger, sadness or fear. I have never had to repress, let go of, sublimate, or harness my feelings.

That fact would make many of them uncomfortable.

Even Vulcans have their emotional prejudices.

But I am not villified nor praised for this life I lead, not by the High Council, not by the Kohlinar, not by the Vulcan Science Academy. Because nobody knows.

Nobody knows that behind my veneer of calmness instilled by the teachings of Surak there is...nothing.

Nobody, that is, except my father, Ambassador Sarek.

Most Vulcans believe they want a truly unemotional child. It was Surak's dream that we would completely tame our inner selves. To live up to that dream would be a high honor to most of my species.

But my father knew it was a drawback.

He knew how it infuriated my mother, how it interfered with relations with other species, how it dulled one's very existence.

But he also knew he couldn't give me feelings. So he taught me the art of mimickry.

The humans I know would claim there isn't much expression to copy in my brethren. I beg to differ. Although Vulcans attempt to remain completely passive, they often give themselves away by minute facial expressions and simple choices.

When he realized what I was, my father taught me how to blend in with other Vulcans by copying their small cues. I learned when each of them was appropriate and how to go about expressing them in a way that looked natural.

When my father first began teaching me, I was skeptical of my ability to copy these subtle hints and of his belief that others would not notice my fakery.

But the mimickry worked. I glided through my schooling with nobody the wiser.

So my father continued to advise me about emotional expression throughout my life. In addition, he taught me how to deal with an impulse I could not control.

To feel anything at all, I need to invade and overwhelm the mind of another. The result was akin to a drug high in a human. It was extremely pleasurable, and would give me a feeling of contentment. But the effects did not last. After a time (the length of which depends on many factors), my mind insisted I find another victim.

Because my psychic abilities were extremely strong, even for a Vulcan, those who I overwhelmed were often at risk of dying or going mad. So when Father discovered my need, he was horrified. He almost appeared human in his fear of me.

But then he realized I couldn't control the need. It would take over my thoughts and irritate me as an insect bite would irritate my skin. It would not leave me alone until I invaded someone's mind.

Therefore, my father taught me how to satisfy my need safely by giving me a set of rules to follow. The first and most important of these was to remain undetected. For if others found out, I would most likely be incarcerated or killed.

I understood, in theory, that Father cared for me and wanted to protect me. So I followed his code. By doing so, my life became easier, more predictable. Less...irritating.

It was only when I was offered a place at the Vulcan Science Academy that I varied from my father's plan. Sarek wanted me to join the VSA, as I was rather adept in the adaptive sciences, and could pursue them with minimal interaction with others.

In a move that surprised everyone, I refused their invitation and decided to join Starfleet instead.

My father was angry with my choice when he heard my statement from his seat at the council table. He had had my best interests in mind when he voted for my entry. But he did not realize that I wanted to reach beyond the zone of safety that he had created for me.

Despite my father's anger, in all the ways that count, my defiance went well. The council saw a calmly rational Vulcan make an unexpected choice. My father saw a being who had successfully learned to copy the emotional expressions of others, even though he felt nothing himself.

I saw an opportunity that I would never have on Vulcan.

When my father asked me about my choice later that day, I tried to explain that I did not make it in rebellion against his teachings. It was because he taught me so well that I decided Starfleet was my best recourse.

'I have learned all I can about feelings on Vulcan, Father. If I am truly to learn about emotional nuances, I need to be among people who express them. Because Starfleet is predominantly a human institution, I am guaranteed to interact with emotional beings there. There is also the added incentive of testing my cover. If I can fool them, I have truly learned your lessons well.'

After my explanation, my father could no longer challenge the logic of my choice. He did, however, question its wisdom.

I didn't understand his concern until I met my classmates at the Academy.

As I am sure Sarek suspected would happen, I found Starfleet Academy intellectually easy but a challenge for my emotional acumen.

My difficulties started the first day, when I met a group of friends who lived in my dormitory. The concept of friendship was strange to me. It was most illogical.

Why would a person rely on one or two others to aid in their day-to-day living? Would it not be more advantageous to consult experts when one experiences a problem? Was that not what relationship counselors, social scientists, and biology experts were for?

Gossip was also a point of difficulty, as I was often the subject of it.

Why was the comparison of my ears to those of mythical creatures, both benevolent and evil, such an interesting conversation? I was not capable of transforming myself into any of them on moonless nights. I also did not understand why the gossipers believed the points on my ears would help during sexual congress, or why the human females bumped into me 'accidentally' in order to touch them.

To add to my discomfort, there were also many times that I had to satisfy the *need*.

But I found Earth advantageous in this regard. Humans were easy to overwhelm psychically. They were also easy to read. It made following my father's code quite simple.

So although I had difficulty blending in, I did not arouse suspicion that I was capable of doing anything more dangerous than making females 'swoon' as they walked past me.

Luckily for my reputation (as I was later to find out), I went through my classes at the Academy at 1.5 times the speed of most humans, and was able to finish early.

Once leaving the Academy, I served as science officer on the Enterprise, a Constitution-class ship under the command of Captain Christopher Pike. This assignment was an appropriate one for me, because Captain Pike quickly let it be known that he did not tolerate gossip. So within days of coming aboard, I no longer had to deal with unforseen collisions with females or rumors that maligned me.

And I found Pike a most able teacher of emotional mimickry.

The captain was a quiet man who made his wishes known in careful wording rather than the extreme outbursts I had seen some of my teachers use. When situations became difficult on missions, a simple smile or frown motivated his crew to strive as hard as necessary.

He was also willing to explain the rationales of his expressions, as it was obvious they perplexed me.

*This* is what I had been searching for when I joined the Academy, a person whose demeanor matched a Vulcan's in many ways but who had the flexibility to use emotional displays when necessary. He was an excellent model for me.

I spent seven years learning under his auspices. Although we ended our service together in good stead, he never knew my actual intentions. He truly believed that he was instructing me about when it was proper to 'let the mask slip' instead of how to manufacture a response.

The deception was necessary. Sarek had made me understand from an early age that those without feelings, not just hiding them as most Vulcans do, frightened others.

Their fear came from the fact that emotions often reminded people of what was right or wrong. Without them, I was dangerous. I had no internal voice to correct my decisions or to police my actions.

That was why Sarek taught me to observe beings more closely that even other Vulcans do. I needed guidance. Without it, I would become the monster he feared.

Even with the code, on this ship, I was always one step away from disaster. Against my father's better judgement, I had put myself in public view. This, of course, made any mistakes I made that much more costly.

So when Captain Pike was severely injured in an attack and had to resign his position, I actually felt a second of trepidation.

No, I was not worried for the captain. I felt no loss of friendship at his exit. It was for myself I was concerned.

I would have to convince another captain that I was like any other Vulcan. And this time I would have to do it from the new captain's side.

For I had been promoted to First Officer. I was to be the captain's 'conscience' and caretaker, according to my predecessor. As uncomfortable as I found those ideas, my other assignment was more troubling. I was now responsible for policing those under me.

I almost refused the promotion when I met with Admiral Nogura. My observations had allowed me to understand that by taking this position, I was putting myself and everyone around me at risk. How was I, with no moral code of my own, to make judgments on the conduct of others?

But my hand was forced. The new Captain Kirk had seen my records and wanted me in the position. And Starfleet wanted Kirk. He was the 'up and coming star' of the Fleet and they wanted to make sure they did not lose him to a mercenary ship or a rich government.

For a reason I could not fathom, he wouldn't sit in the captain's chair unless I was by his side.

True to form, Starfleet Command responded to his demand with one of its own. I was informed that the only way I could refuse the position was if I resigned.

Resigning would not have caused me distress. I wouldn't have felt humiliated or thought of myself as a failure if I had returned home. In fact, my life would have been easier if I took the position the VSA had kept open for me in the laboratories.

So why did I stay on the Enterprise and take the promotion?

Quite simply, I wanted to know why the new captain wanted me there.

So I prepared to take my assigned position. The quartermaster helped me move my belongings into my new cabin. The exiting first officer briefed me on procedure. I helped supervise the crew exchange at Starbase 10.

All while my new fate, in the guise of the newly appointed James Tiberius Kirk, made his three day journey from Earth.

It was to be my last three days of calm.

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end part 1

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The first time I saw Captain Kirk, I knew the change in my life was going to be more dramatic than I had anticipated. This man was not calmly rational like Captain Pike. Kirk was more like my suitemate in the Academy, who was nicknamed 'The Tornado' as a way of describing how quickly he took over social interactions.

The captain was greeting some of the new officers we had taken on board when I went to meet him.

Unlike Pike, who greeted most of his acquaintances with a respectful nod and a handshake, Kirk used pats on the shoulder and beaming smiles quite liberally.

That was only the first of a large list of differences I found between my two superior officers.

The captain spotted me a few minutes after I had entered the shuttlebay in which he had made his entry.

'Commander.' He smiled, waving the other officers aside so he could greet me. 'I have heard many good things about you.' Oddly, that smile caused in me a need to reach toward him. As I did not know what that impulse meant, and most beings would consider it inappropriate, I pushed it away in favor of a more reasonable response.

I gave a short bow acknowledging his words, but did not offer an equal statement of praise. It would be a lie to do so, as I had only heard about how demanding he had been when taking the position.

Kirk did not seem to mind as he moved the conversation to more important topics. 'I saw that all the staff changes are in order. You work quickly. Thank you.' He smiled again, and again I had to suppress a desire to reach toward him. 'Do we have an assignment yet?'

'We are to begin trade negotiations with the inhabitants of Reteen.' I said, falling in step with the captain as he made his way out of the shuttlebay.

His face changed expression rather suddenly. Although I had very little to compare it to, I surmised he felt anxious or upset.

Since I did not understand his distress, I did not comment on it. It was better to research details concerning Reteen later that day and attempt to correlate the data with emotional responses.

I returned to my cabin during my afternoon break and looked at the alignment of Reteen to other solar bodies in the region. When I saw the planets near our destination, it was not difficult to understand his reaction.

Reteen was near Tarsus IV, a planet still scorned by many, and the subject of others' nightmares.

These were the reactions of the people who had only heard of the events that took place there.

The reactions of those who experienced the events were often more intense. There were those who coped by surrounding themselves with family and friends, those who sought professional help for the disorders caused by the stress, those who suffered in silence, and those who took their own lives to escape the pain of remembering what they had witnessed.

And then there was me. Due to my circumstances during the events that killed so many, my mind took a desperate course to deal with a situation I had barely understood.

I began emulating the being who had taught me the meaning of pain at the age of four. As a result, I haven't felt any emotion for more than a few milliseconds since then.

In the parlance of humans, Kodos the Executioner made me what I am today.

After my research, it was easy to understand Captain Kirk's reluctance to journey to Reteen.

But at the time I was talking to the Captain, I did not have access to this information, so I continued our discussion of the mission. 'Will we be allowed to bargain as we need?'

Kirk's face became thoughtful. 'I think so. Nogura seems eager to get my feet wet. He wants to see what I'm capable of.'

I nodded and kept silent as we walked to Kirk's quarters. Similar to most Vulcans, I was rather inept at what humans call 'small talk'. Inanities were illogical, and when used, they tended to produce unexpected responses in humans. It was best to avoid casual speech at the moment. I could easily interpret the captain's reactions incorrectly and cause an incident.

The captain broke the silence at his cabin. 'The quartermaster told me we would be sharing a bathroom. Make sure to tell me if I get in your way in the morning, especially since we need to be on the bridge at the same time.'

I suspected that this was supposed to be a friendly overture, so I carefully chose words that I hoped would be an equitable exchange. 'I do not anticipate any problems, but please inform me if I cause any interruptions of your routine. Your presence is more necessary on the bridge than mine.'

I must have failed in my attempt because Kirk frowned as he entered his quarters. But he didn't say anything to help me interpret the reason for his displeasure. Instead he simply said that he would meet me on the bridge in thirty minutes.

When he joined me there, I began to fully appreciate how difficult my life was about to become.

As Science Officer under Captain Pike, I was not required to do more than offer the facts of a situation and perhaps a conclusion concerning those facts.

As First Officer, it was necessary to do more, much more. I needed to speculate on others' thoughts, emotions, and actions in order to advise my captain of the proper course in a situation.

My first attempt at this was within minutes of Kirk walking onto the bridge.

'I would like you to help me plan a dinner where I can sit down with all the departments heads and get to know them.' Kirk said to me as he took the captain's chair.

'Yes, Captain.' I said, retrieving a PADD so I could take notes on Kirk's requirements. I began offering suggestions from the the arrangements Pike had made for diplomatic dinners, but the new captain refused them, saying that those plans were too formal for what he had in mind.

It was to my advantage as a new first officer that Kirk was not ostentacious. He wanted simple fare, simple drapings, and a round table so all felt equal, or so he said. I failed to see how the shape of the furniture could affect one's perceptions of power. But I believed it would be a mistake to say so. Therefore, I silently wrote down his requests.

But his desire for equality made my job easier. My orders to the quartermaster were reasonable and were able to be met before the occasion the next day.

These simple requests were not what I expected from the man who would not captain this ship unless I was by his side. I believed that one's behavior in one situation automatically translated to others. For did I not have to pretend in all situations?

But before I could do more than note my mistake, the captain gave me another task that made understanding him even more difficult.

'Oh, and I'd like you to join me for dinner tonight, if you have no other plans.' When I said I did not, Kirk relaxed into his chair. 'Good. 1900 hours in the rec room nearest our quarters?'

I nodded in agreement, although I would have preferred to refuse. For I was concerned that I might make a mistake in his presence that would reveal my true nature. Most of the more obvious mistakes I made have been during personal conversations.

They included such grevious errors as appearing pleased when a cadet acquaintance of mine told me he 'dumped' his girlfriend. Through him, I learned that relationship breakups require a mourning period, no matter if the person lost was perfect or the mythical devil himself. That mourning required the person, and everyone around him, to have the saddest expressions possible until the person recovered.

Another mistake that came to mind was walking away from a female who said that 'nothing was wrong' while she was crying. I did not realize that the statement should be translated as 'pursue me and force me to tell you the truth' until she threw a PADD at my back.

However, since I knew it was best to cooperate with our new captain, I could not reasonably say no.

At the end of the night, I came to the conclusion that I would have missed much if I had refused.

Conversing with my new captain was enlightening.

From the minute I entered the recreation room that evening, I could see he was a man who did not stand on ceremony. He conversed easily with the other people in the room as he waited for me to retrieve my salad from the replicator.

The three engineering ensigns asked him about the other ships he had been on, as well as the captains he had served under. All three gave him the respect he was due according to his rank, but by the way they spoke, they made it clear they considered him 'one of them.'

But, as he did in the shuttlebay, he was quick to excuse himself when I sat down. 'Thank you for coming.' He smiled in a way I assumed was friendly. 'I know I've given you a lot to adjust to. I'm sorry to take away your private time, but I thought it best to get to know you now so we look a little more like a command team when I meet the department heads.'

'That is logical.' I said, intrigued by the way he channelled his casual attitude into what appeared to be efficient leadership.

As we ate, his logic became even more apparent. He asked me about each department, how well it functioned, the good and bad points of its personnel, and some pertinent personal information about each of the department heads. This last task was most difficult, as he did not specify what he meant by 'pertinent'.

Seeing my confusion, he explained. 'Well, I read your file many times before I chose you for my first officer. Of course, there was a lot of important information like your test scores, your service record, and your commendations. All of those were pretty impressive. But other pieces of information were just as important. You are an ambassador's son. That could make our lives easier or harder depending on our mission. You are very respected by Captain Pike. All his reviews pointed out your strengths: organization, swiftness, focus. But he also noted where you have difficulties, such as how you relate with others.'

He put up his hand as I was about to comment. 'We all have weaknesses. I will let you in on one of mine.' He paused for a minute, and took a deep breath. My father once told me this was how humans gathered resolve to do something difficult.

When the captain continued, his voice was calm, but he was looking away from me. 'If I screw something up, it tends to haunt me forever. I have a hard time letting go of my mistakes.'

Kirk took another deep breath and looked me straight in the eye. 'That's why I took you on as first officer. I want to help you. I owe you...for what you did the first time we were together.'

I blinked. Unless my memory was faulty, I had never met this man before that morning.

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end part 2


	2. Chapter 2

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'I do not remember any encounter with you before today,' I replied after a few minutes of contemplation.

'It's probably better that you don't,' the captain said dismissively. 'Let's just say I owe you and leave it at that.' He took a bite of his dinner and examined my face. He watched me as carefully as I watch those who guide my behavior.

I was confused. Why would Kirk bring up a prior meeting then dismiss it so easily? The incident must have had some importance to him if he believed he 'owed' me.

'I do not understand.' My curiousity was making me bolder than usual. But again, Kirk did not appear distressed by my impropriety.

However, his comfort level did not compel him to explain his statement. 'You may, in time. But for now, let's focus on the present.'

I agreed reluctantly, still rather intrigued by his hints concerning our previous encounter. But Kirk decided that now was the time to discuss our roles as Captain and First Officer. He outlined his basic ideas for crew organization, training exercises, and Starfleet Command's plans for us for the next three months.

I listened intently, offering a few comments, but mostly noting differences between his choices and what I would have expected Captain Pike's to be.

Kirk didn't comment on my silence, although he seemed to approve of my appetite. His eyes focused on each bite I took as he talked. As he watched me, his face mirrored the expression my father had when I had completed a task well. This puzzled me, as I did not know why my eating habits would concern him unless I was ill.

The captain continued updating me as we finished eating, then he asked me to join him in a walk around the ship. He told me that he wanted to understand this vessel from my point of view.

At that, my father's voice spoke in my mind, cautioning me. Conversations where I had to express opinions were the most risky for me. I could easily reveal my distasteful lack of concern for others without realizing I had done so.

However, given the situation, again I could not refuse. So I fell in step with the captain as he inspected the halls of his new ship.

As we walked, Kirk asked me about my decision to join Starfleet and my parents' reactions. These were standard questions that I was often asked. I answered them using the responses I had memorized early on in my career, the ones people expected to hear. I had formulated them to give the impression that I was an idealistic person with a supportive family.

The second part was not a falsehood. Both Sarek and my mother indicated that they believed I could succeed in my choice, even though Sarek would have preferred that I stayed on Vulcan.

To aid me in conversations, my father had indicated that a half-truth less likely to arouse suspicion than a complete lie. I found that information very useful. It allowed me hide my true nature under a mask provided by Surak.

But I quickly found that Kirk was not satified with the illusions that made me look like every other Vulcan. This became obvious when he asked me a question I did not expect.

'So, does the Fleet live up to your expectations?' The question was asked casually, as if he expected that it was posed to me often.

In reality, nobody had seen fit to ask my opinion of the hallowed institution.

So, before I replied, I stopped walking. I required time and concentration to think of an appropriate answer.

But Kirk would not allow me to correctly ponder my response. 'Ah ah, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth. I'm not going to report back to Starfleet Command. I just want to know...from which angle I should approach you.'

Something in me decided to trust this man. So I told him more of the truth than I would consider telling anyone other than my father. 'I found the Academy...chaotic. The cadets often preferred to socialize than study. I was often distracted by this, as my room was in the main hallway of the dormitory. This was not conducive my studies. I can only speculate how their socializing impacted their own progress.'

Kirk chuckled at this, but when I stopped, he probed further. 'Surely Starfleet isn't all bad.'

I shook my head in agreement. 'When I boarded the Enterprise, I found it much more acceptable than the Academy. Captain Pike did not allow the lapses in discipline I often would see in the Academy dormitories.'

Kirk led me into a turbolift as he commented, 'I can see how the dorms might disturb you, given your background. But the cadets were blowing off steam. They weren't trying to make your life miserable.'

'I was told this by the monitors. This 'blowing off steam' seemed an inefficient way to spend time that could be used more productively.'

'Humans need time to play. It makes us more efficient workers when we need to be.' Kirk patted my shoulder, ignoring the etiquette he was taught at the Academy. Vulcans are not to be touched, according to the professors. It upsets them.

For most Vulcans, this is indeed true.

His hand on my shoulder did not upset me. It intrigued me. Touch often implied familiarity or comfort with someone. This gave me reason to believe our prior acquaintance was not a simple 'passing in the night'. Something of substance and/or duration had happened when we met. I resolved to look further into the captain's service record when I returned to my cabin so I could find this event.

Kirk watched me as I pondered this. 'Relax. You're not doing anything wrong. Nor could you, unless you took out a phaser and shot me right now. I know you have to appear appropriate in front of the crew. But you don't have to try so hard when it's just us. I won't take offense.'

'Of what do you speak?' I asked, raising my eyebrow to hide my sudden concern behind an appearance of interest. Was my mimickry not good enough? Kirk seemed to be hinting that he could see through my facade.

'Being surrounded by emotional beings has to be exhausting. Your people tend to have problems figuring out the right thing to do or say around humans because you just aren't taught how to handle us.'

That statement allowed me to relax. The captain was expressing concern similiar to a one I had heard from Captain Pike. To a human, all Vulcans have difficulties with social interactions.

But I saw a crinkling around Kirk's eyes I didn't understand. He stared a little too long at me. From this, I deduced that he was not revealing all of his thoughts. I searched his face more thoroughly, but those small cues were the only hints of his mental state.

Before I could think of a way to make him reveal the information he was hiding, Kirk stopped at a recreation room. 'Would you join me for a game of chess?'

Intrigued by the idea of spending more time with this man, I agreed.

As it was rather late in the ship's cycle, the room was empty when we sat down in front of the three dimensional chess board.

It was apparent from the very beginning of our game that Kirk was a more than adequate player, although an unorthodox one.

When I commented on this, Kirk laughed. 'It's more fun if I just follow my instincts. Working from someone else's rules, in a game of chess or in life, makes it less worth doing.'

Suddenly, my mind stopped thinking about the game and started cautioning me once more. Again, I stared at him, trying to judge him and how much he knew about me. That statement had to be more than a simple philosophy. It sounded as if he was directing it toward me.

Kirk just smiled calmly, thwarting my attempts to discover what he meant through small cues of nervousness or unease. He had none.

If he did know about my condition, it did not cause him distress. Hence, I had to be wrong about his words. Even my father, an accomplished follower of Surak, showed signs of discomfort when I was near.

Kirk, however, gazed at me calmly as he asked, 'Do you remember Peter Finnegan?'

I blinked, unexpectedly startled by a fact I knew from the minute Kirk stepped aboard. Of course, Kirk had been in the Academy while I was there. I had seen in his record that he was the same age as I was, thirty Earth years. He had joined Starfleet at the same time I had, at the beginning of our twentieth year. Me, after a standard Vulcan science education and refusing the VSA's offer of a research position. Kirk, after accelerating through a dual major of space politics and galactic history at Iowa State University.

We had arrived in San Francisco on the same date and had lived in the same dormitory. So why did I have no idea he existed until he was assigned to the Enterprise?

Kirk must have anticipated my question because he explained before I could answer his inquiry. 'I kept to myself as much as you did at the Academy. I saw you only in passing most of the time, usually when you were headed to a xenobiology lecture. The flight simulators were one hall down from the biology labs.'

I quirked my eyebrow at this information, but when he did not continue, I answered his question.

'Mr. Finnegan was a rather...persistent individual.'

The captain laughed. 'That's one way of putting it. He spent my whole Academy career trying to get me to go to the parties he hosted. I don't know why. He didn't seem to like me much.'

'He showed me animosity as well.' I said, remembering the day Cadet Finnegan had accosted me in the hallway of the xenobiology labs.

He had pushed me into a wall without provocation and demanded that I quit the Academy and return to my 'hellhole of a planet'. As it was late and all the other cadets had returned to the dormitories, I could not thwart him by simply disappearing into the crowd. Therefore, I prepared to use my superior strength to ward him off and render him unconscious if necessary.

But I didn't need to. As Cadet Finnegan stalked me and backed me towards the botany laboratory, a hand reached out to pull him into the room. Then the door slammed shut.

I could hear heated words within the room, but since the cadet was no longer bothering me, I decided it was in my best interest to leave the area.

Now, as I sat in the recreation room with Captain Kirk, I pondered this incident again. Although I had never seen the face of the person who dragged Cadet Finnegan into that room, I now believed I knew who it was.

'I must thank you for distracting Cadet Finnegan the day he found me alone in the laboratories.' I bowed my head, attempting to indicate sincerity. Although the incident had not upset me, if Finnegan had succeeded in causing me physical injury, or if I had been forced to cause him harm, there would have been investigations into my life that I could not have afforded.

'He was an ass.' Kirk said bluntly. 'And like I said, I owe you.'

'Then surely we are, as humans say, 'even'.'

'Not a chance. I owe you more than just getting Finnegan off your back.' The captain's voice sounded sincere and emphatic, but it gave me no clue as to the reason for his belief.

His next words deepened the mystery surrounding our past.

'If it wasn't for what you did, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you. I'd be particles scattered in the air.'

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end part 3

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After that tantalizing glimpse into our shared past, Kirk again thwarted my attempts to discover the details of our first encounter.

'It was a long time ago, and far from pleasant. If you don't remember what happened, it's probably best that I don't tell you,' the captain replied when I inquired about where and when we had met. I could see from his expression that he was worried, but he gave no clue as to why.

I had no choice but to cease my questioning. It was part of the code my father gave me.

He had told me that when I faced an emotion without explanation, it was best to shift the conversation in a new direction. Such an action prevented accidentally causing distress in the other person when they realized I did not sympathize with them adequately.

So we ended our night playing chess while I listened to Kirk tell me about his childhood in North America. He did not press me for information about my past. From the look of sympathy on his face, I deduced that he noticed my difficulties in talking about myself.

When we parted ways later that night, I immediately went to the Starfleet database in search of further information on my captain. I found many commendations in his service records from the Farragut and the Alexander, as well as his awards from the Academy.

There was also one reprimand. It was for his solution to the Academy's Koybayashi Maru test, in which he forced the simulation to allow him to 'solve' the dilemma.

Apparently, the captain's method of playing chess applied to his philosophy of life. During the inquiry, he had stated quite clearly that he did not believe in a situation without a solution.

I puzzled over this momentarily, wondering why his explanation would stir in me...something...satisfaction? This was curious. Having any emotion outside of the times I fed my needs was extremely uncommon.

I needed to meditate on this feeling. However, first I needed to finish my task. But when I searched Kirk's history beyond his time in Starfleet, I quickly found that all of his childhood records were of the most ordinary type for an Earth-bound human.

Except for one. In a section of his profile, I found an undated classified file that I was unable to access. It had a Starfleet-style datalock indicating it was only to be opened by the admiralty. Undaunted, I attempted to break the lock, but none of my techniques were effective.

Seeing no other recourse at the moment, I abandoned my search and prepared to meditate. But I could not concentrate on the emotion I had felt earlier. Because another demand was beginning to surface.

I could feel the need inside me clamoring for release. I had to satisfy it soon, tonight if possible. If I let it grow, it would get larger and more demanding, and my control would slip.

Without control, I could not follow the code. Someone would die.

So as I meditated, a part of my mind searched for a candidate on the ship's roster. After a short contemplation, I decided Lieutenant Barnes would be an adequate choice. He fit the code. Security had been put on alert concerning the lieutenant's obsession with Ensign Lara Kehr. It was becoming such a problem that I had recommended that Barnes be removed from the ship. But until he was, he would serve me well.

My father had made it clear that I was less likely to be discovered if I chose my victims from those who annoyed or harmed others.

Peter Finnegan had been one of my victims. I had chosen him a few days after the situation in the biology laboratories. He must have annoyed others as well, for when he returned from the medical facility my feeding had sent him to, I heard a number of cadets lament that his injuries were not more severe.

But he was not my first victim. In fact, he was my second human. Before that, I had used a total of 23 Vulcans.

One would think I did not find many that fit my code among my brethren, as Vulcans are trained to be neutral in social situations. But I learned very early that this is only a partial truth. All Vulcans have the same personality traits as other beings in the galaxy, though most other beings would find them muted. Except for the traits that tend to cause distress in others.

Those traits stand out against the background of Surak-induced neutrality.

So it was actually rather easy to find victims among my own people. But none of them were as satisfying to me as my first human, a cadet named Mark Young. He was, according to Academy gossip, a very difficult man to be around.

He was in my botany laboratory. At first, he simply appeared to be a quiet and studious man, much like myself. Then I began to notice that all of the females, and some of the males, went out of their way to avoid being his partner, or even being near him. He was what the females called a 'grabber'.

So when the need came upon me, 1.5 months into my first year at the Academy, I chose him. He was an easy victim. His mind was weak.

I cornered Young just outside the Academy campus, on his way to one of the group events that normally happen on Friday nights. It was simple to convince him that I knew of a woman who would be most appreciative of his type of attention.

He did not appear concerned as I took him to a room I had rented near the Golden Gate Bridge under an assumed name. He did not seem to notice the hotel was in one of the poorer neighborhoods.

But when I forced him against the wall once the door was closed, he began to struggle. The fight in him began to stir emotions in me. I felt exhilarated. I felt alive.

So I entered his mind. I found much there to excite me.

Cadet Young attempted to ward me off the moment he found me within. He shoved and hit at my mental presence...but it was as effective as pushing at air.

This was much easier and much more satifying than fighting a Vulcan. My people are psychically adept. They can easily thwart a mental intruder. Therefore, I always had to follow the Code when taking a Vulcan. They had to be be incapacitated when I removed them from their surroundings and they had be given anti-telepathy drugs before they woke to keep them docile.

But even under those circumstances, Vulcans are dangerous. They could easily overwhelm me, and achieve the same outcome that I was attempting. They could steal inside me, sift through my memories, control me, and take from me whatever pleased them. Then they could leave me numb, unaware, or trapped in my own mind with no way out.

Initially, that had been a thrill for me. I had felt excitement and fear every time I pursued a Vulcan victim.

For one such as myself, fear is a good feeling. It is something to be treasured. When I feared, I felt vibrant.

But when I entered Cadet Young's mind, I saw the potential to feel a new emotion: contentment. The feeling one has when everything works correctly and you have received what you needed.

I know to many humans, this emotion is often the one that means the least. They prefer the exhilaration that comes with great joy or great fear. But contentment gave me something that I did not have in my emotionless existence: security. The belief that I was safe and that all would be well.

I craved that feeling that most beings attempt to instill in their young at an early age so the child has the courage explore their existence. I had not felt it since age four. It was lost to me when I watched my half-brother die.

So when I gained that sense of contentment and security temporarily by sliding into this young human's mind and overwhelming him, I knew I had to have more.

So I fought Cadet Young's mental projection of himself. Our battle was most curious. It differed from taking Vulcan victims in that his form became bloody as he struggled with me.

The blood seemed to be a manifestation of the pain I was causing him, because as he bled, he began to scream. The more he screamed, the more blood that flowed out of him. I so enjoyed this that I almost let it go on too long. If he had lost all of that precious fluid on the mental plane, he would have died on the physical plane from psychic shock.

But the memory of my father's voice stopped me. 'Do not take much from the weak ones. For if you kill them, there will an investigation. But if you allow them to survive, they will appear to have lost their connection with reality.'

In humans, that is referred to as psychosis, which is most often the result of chemical imbalances, small brain deformities and high levels of stress. It is nearly impossible to cause psychosis deliberately.

So I broke the meld at the last possible moment to ensure his survival.

The next day, the Academy commenced inquiries into the cause of his state but nobody ever suspected I created Cadet Young's 'mental illness'.

I expected that my time with Lieutenant Barnes would be just as easy.

But when I drew him to a recreation room and entered his mind, he found a way to quickly overpower me and throw me out of the meld.

His defense surprised me, but I was able to regroup quickly. I re-entered the Lieutenant's mind, looking for the cause of his psychic skill.

Ah, there it was. The Lieutenant was part Betazoid. Betazoids were much more psychically adept than Vulcans. I would not be able to overwhelm him adequately.

But I could alter his memory. I made him forget this excursion with me, as well as his obsession with Ensign Kehr.

I thought it best to help the morale of the ship, even though my needs were not met.

My condition would not allow me to take Barnes to his quarters. In order to stabilize myself, I needed to meditate. Therefore, after making sure Barnes would be safe in the room until he was found, I left. As I walked down the hall, I was surprised to see that I was trembling slightly, both in fear and need.

My emotional state so preoccupied me that I ran into Captain Kirk.

'Whoa!' My superior officer grabbed my shoulders to keep me from falling as I staggered back from our collision.

It must have been my vulnerable state that caused it. It must have been because I was letting the emotions Lieutenant Barnes had provoked flow through me freely.

For it was then that I remembered what had happened with this man so long ago.

In that instant, a scene flashed through my mind. A blond haired child, screaming in pain. Another child, me, pulling him away from the danger. Emotions had flowed freely in me then, too. I had been weary. I had been sad. I had been determined to prevent my new friend from dying.

I had made this decision at the most dangerous of times. A riot had broken out in the streets after Kodos' announcement. Just as many had died at the hands of their friends and neighbors as from the disintegrators that day.

But I, a small four year old child, had slipped through the crowds at the disintegrators and grabbed my friend. Bloody and beaten, I still had been able to pull that other child to safety. I had clutched him to me tightly, swearing that I would take care of him always.

I had dragged him to the large shed behind the Governor's house. We had huddled there in the dark, afraid to move as we heard the fierce yelling from the mobs outside. We had cried and shivered, mourning those we had lost. It had felt like we were there for days. We had been starved and dehydrated, but we had known that to leave our haven would have been our deaths.

But then, after we both had slept, the boy had been taken from me by strong hands. I had screamed, thinking they were going to kill him. It was only later that I had realized they had saved him. They had saved us both.

But for months afterwards, I had woken from nightmares screaming his name.

'Jamie.'

The captain smiled at me softly. 'Yes, Spock.'

-----------

end part 4


	3. Chapter 3

-----------

My reaction to the revelation was physically extreme. I began to shake. My knees became weak. I could not breathe and ended up choking.

All of this troubled Kirk. I could see the worry on his face as I began to fall to the deck.

'Spock!' The captain grabbed me and propped me against the wall before I could hit my head on the floor. He then knelt at my side and checked me for injuries.

After making sure I did not need medical aid, he offered me what my father called 'reassuring nonsense'. 'Hey, it's okay. It's over. We're on the Enterprise. We're safe.'

Apparently, Kirk believed I had fainted from the trauma associated with the memories of Tarsus IV. I opened my mouth to correct his assumption, but I could not do so. There was water in my eyes. Some of it must have dripped into my mouth, for when I tried to speak, all that issued forth was a choked moan.

Kirk moved closer to me as I moaned again. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder, but the sensation was vague, as if he was touching me through many layers of fabric instead of one.

I did not know what was happening to me. Was I ill? This had never occurred before, and I was not sure how to stop it.

But Kirk seemed to know what to do. He appeared to be on alert, as if protecting something. From the lack of other beings or objects around us, I assumed that something was me.

After a few moments, the captain turned his eyes back to me. Although my sense of my body was still not complete, I could tell that I had not stopped shaking and my eyes were watering more profusely.

'Should I call Dr. McCoy?' he asked softly. 'Bones is a friend of mine. He'll be discreet.'

Discretion did not seem to be what I needed to stop this reaction. But I did not know what would. I shook my head. 'I am well. I simply do not understand this physiological response.'

Kirk's eyes shone with a piercing look I did not understand. 'It's not just physical, Spock.'

I shook my head again, although my father had given me explicit instructions to never reveal my emotional neutrality. However, the rules had changed in a split-second flash of memory. This man was not a potential victim. He was not a co-worker. He was not an acquaintance who suspected that I was not quite right.

He was Jamie.

Even I, in my unemotional condition, understood that our shared past changed all of my father's rules.

I was well aware that many years had passed since I last saw my friend. I was aware that he could have blocked the whole situation out of his memory in order to be able to move on with his life.

But I already knew that he hadn't.

It wasn't only the smile I saw when I exited the recreation room that informed me, although that had been the final piece of the puzzle that had irritated me since I received word of Captain Kirk's transfer to the Enterprise.

It was also the reason for his presence here. Suddenly, I had a very good theory as to why Kirk had chosen this ship and made such stringent demands to get it.

He wanted to be with me. He challenged Starfleet in order to command the ship on which I resided.

But why?

Why would he want to be with me, and risk his career to do it, after more than twenty five years?

I looked at Kirk, hoping to get answers, but all I saw was a man who was as puzzled as I was.

Of course, his confusion had a different focus. Me.

'What happened to you?' The captain asked quietly. 'Is this what I did to you?'

I stared at him, not comprehending. What could he have caused? I was not aware of any injury to my person.

Seeing my lack of understanding, Kirk shook his head and stood up. 'Come on, if you won't see McCoy, at least let me help you to your cabin.'

I stood on shaky legs and started making my way slowly back to my quarters. Noticing my difficulty, Kirk put my arm on his shoulder as he kept pace with me.

Neither of us said a word as we walked, but Kirk kept glancing at me with a solemn expression. From the downward pull of his lips, I assumed I had disappointed him in some way.

But even in his disappointment, the captain was considerate. When we reached my cabin, he helped me into my room and sat me down on my desk chair.

'Now how do I help you recover from this?' he asked, waving me to silence when I attempted to protest. 'I was the one who stirred your memory. It's my fault you're in this state.'

I could not refute his statement, as I could not deduce any other cause for my behavior. So I asked him to prepare my meditation candle and mat. Then he helped me kneel before the candle.

It was difficult to slow my physical responses to our shared past. I was able to cease enough of them to achieve a meditative state only after I heard Kirk sit on the floor nearby.

He said nothing as I meditated. But I could tell he was watching me because he shifted minutely when I began to lose the physiological symptoms that were thwarting me. I heard the first shift as my tears completely ceased, the second as my trembling stopped.

But when I began meditating on his actions, Kirk became restless. He fidgeted when I wondered why he worried about me. He sighed as I pondered his disappointment in me.

After many minutes of this, he spoke.

'Do you remember when we first met?' His voice was quiet and hesitant, as if afraid that his question would spark the same reaction in me that the other memory did.

I opened my eyes but did not answer him for a few moments. I was waiting for my thoughts to become clear.

After I studied the captain's face, they did. 'We met at the ship dock above Tarsus IV. You were there because your brother was ill. I was there because my father allowed my instructor to take Sybok and myself on what humans call a 'field trip'.'

Kirk nodded. 'Yeah. Sam had gotten seriously sick from some mutant strain of influenza. To protect me, my parents sent me to Aunt Grace, who was the biologist for the Tarsus IV colony.' He appeared sad as he remembered. 'I can't help feeling guilty about my aunt's death. If I hadn't been there, would Kodos have been more forgiving to her?'

'Most likely not.' I replied cautiously. Over the many years since the event, I had not considered my role in my instructor Sylvin's death. I *had* been responsible for his demise. If I hadn't needed instruction on human cultures, we wouldn't have taken the trip to the colony.

My father had not given me advice on this type of situation. Was it necessary for me to mimic guilt in this case? Did I need to lament my role in Sylvin's death? Or Sybok's?

As I pondered this, Kirk gave me an angry look. I could not fathom why, as I had not spoken in the previous four minutes.

His next words confused me even more, as they seemed to relate directly to my thoughts. 'I'm sorry I said anything. I've upset you by bringing all this up. I should have waited until you were ready.' He sighed. 'I forgot your teacher and brother died too.

'Look, we were four years old. We couldn't do anything about Kodos or the riots.' He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation. 'But I do feel guilty about what I did to you. That I could control.'

My puzzlement redirected onto my captain. 'I do not remember you doing anything inappropriate.'

'I did. You might not realize it, but I did. I--rejected you.' His voice became a whisper. 'After you did everything you could to save me, I rejected you and left you on your own. Your teacher and your brother were dead. When I left, you had nobody.'

Now the captain was trembling and...crying. There were a few droplets of water rolling down his cheek. Fascinating. He was showing the same symptoms I had when I collapsed in the hallway.

Although I wanted to study this further, the captain's state, and the social norms surrounding it, dictated that I concentrate on him at the moment. But unlike Kirk, I did not know what to do to aid someone in that condition. So I watched him until he began to calm.

'Sorry.' Kirk whispered, appearing embarrassed. 'I guess I haven't dealt with this as well as I thought I had.'

He shook himself and almost immediately appeared less distraught. His words, however, suggested he still suffered from guilt. 'I need to make all that up to you.'

I stood up, feeling the need to pace. So I took a few steps toward my desk. 'But as you said earlier, this was a long time ago.' I turned to face my captain, who had stood as well. 'Why do you feel the need to ask my forgiveness and 'make up' to me for a slight that occurred when we were barely older than toddlers?'

Kirk took a deep breath before speaking. 'Because before I petitioned for this commission, I stopped at Federation headquarters and talked to your father. We both believe I am at least partially responsible for your condition.'

----------

end part 5

----------

I stared at the captain as I tried to decipher, first, how much he knew about my condition, and second, if his statement could possibly be true. The best I could do was conclude that he knew more than my other acquaintances, since he had talked to my father concerning me.

As to whether he was speaking the truth, I could only reach one conclusion. 'You could not be responsible,' I said with certainty. 'I do not remember the rejection that you claim happened. Human children often have memory difficulties, because they do not learn mnemonic devices until age eight to ten, whereas Vulcans are taught starting at age two. So I suspect you altered the memory unintentionally.

'What I remember was that we were physically close the weeks we spent on the planet. We engaged in activities that are normal in human friendships. There was no animosity or arguments between us. In fact, I remember you waving in farewell as you were put on the transport to Earth.'

Kirk ran his hands through his hair. He did not appear comfortable discussing this part of our past. 'I didn't...I couldn't...Hell, it wasn't an overt rejection.' He sighed. 'It was a mental one.'

When I raised my eyebrow to question his conclusion, he simply shook his head, indicating he would tell me nothing further. So I searched my memories for the veracity of his conviction. After a time, I discovered that something in the deep recesses of my mind echoed with the belief that Kirk was telling at least a partial truth.

But how could that be? My memories clashed with his assertion.

Kirk began showing signs of discomfort. 'We should get some sleep. It's late, and I think I stirred up enough of the past for one day.'

I could see the reluctance to pursue our discussion in his eyes. From his body language, I concluded that he viewed his actions during that time as mistakes.

I was curious about what he could do at four years of age that would make him this uncomfortable twenty five years later, but I would get more chances to discover what had happened. There were benefits to biding one's time. You could often catch people off-guard if you waited long enough.

So I accepted his excuse for now and bade him goodnight.

Oddly, I did not sleep well that night. I woke many times in an overheated state.

Looking at the reading on my console after I woke the fifth time, I saw that the temperature was not responsible for the heat I felt.

But since I did not feel ill and I could not find another reason for my insomnia, I went back to my bed.

That course of action was futile. Because of my state, I could no longer even fall asleep. I was too preoccupied by thoughts of my new captain. Our past and present kept merging in my mind, one overlapping the other.

Was he responsible for my disability? He must have been, if my father said it was true. But how? Why?

Had he been so malicious a child that he took my emotions from me in some cruel procedure? I was once again surprised as part of me screamed 'No!' rather loudly, even before I finished that thought.

I immediately fell to my meditation mat to help me discover where that voice came from. But this time I hadn't simply forgotten the events it seemed to refer to. My memories appeared to be blocked in some fashion.

Although I tried for many hours, it was a barrier I couldn't break.

I explored the blockage carefully, but all I could discover was that it echoed thoughts of my father in an undefinable way.

Temporarily thwarted, I asked the computer for the time and found that it was now close to alpha shift. Removing myself from my meditation mat, I prepared myself for the start of my day, musing the whole time about the mystery in which I now found myself entrenched.

The mystery deepened as I walked onto the bridge an hour later. As soon as I entered, Kirk turned his head away from me instead of greeting me as he would the other crew members.

This was extremely disorienting, as he had been very soliticitous the night before. Had I made an error that I was unaware of?

But as I studied Kirk from the corner of my eye when my tasks allowed, I found him watching me not with an angry gaze, but with one that seemed remorseful.

That made assessment much easier. The captain still felt guilt concerning the role he played in my past.

The more I observed his discomfort, the more I became aware of something best described as a mental 'itch'. The itch was an indication that part of myself was irritated by Kirk's demeanor. This was not a satisfactory state of affairs.

So, as with physical itches, I attempted to scratch it.

As soon as my shift ended, I made arrangements to talk to my father.

It was late in the ship's day by the time I was able to establish contact with him, as that was when we were in the vicinity of the Ferengi-ruled planet he was currently on.

As soon as my father's face appeared on the screen, I could see that something was different.

He appeared...surprised.

This was odd. He had not shown me that facial expression very often. In fact, the only time I can remember it being clearly on Sarek's face was when I announced that I was joining Starfleet instead of taking the position at the Vulcan Science Academy.

So why would he have this look on his face before I uttered a word?

Sarek's answer to this question confused me, as he answered it before I asked.

'Spock, are you angry?' My father asked in a tone that held both that surprise and another emotion as well. Did I detect pleasure in his voice? It seemed so, but I pushed that thought away in order to answer his question.

'No, Father. I would not disgrace my House so.' I said automatically, as this was the standard response Vulcans are taught as children. It was used as a way to remind them of their lessons concerning Surak's teachings.

Sarek examined my face for a few moments. 'Something is different. Your face shows expression.'

I raised my eyebrow. This was a completely new development. He had never told me that unless I was mimicking someone. Of course, we both knew I didn't need to mimic anyone in front of him.

'I assure you, Father, that I am not attempting to appear angry, nor do I feel any different from my normal state of emotionlessness.' That was not completely true, but what I felt inside me was physical tension. Was this anger? If so, why was I angry with my father?

Sarek appeared skeptical of my claim, but did not question me further on it. He instead directed me towards the purpose for my communication. 'What information do you seek?'

'I wish to know why part of my memory has been blocked from my awareness. When Captain Kirk came aboard the ship, I discovered we shared a past. We were acquaintances on Tarsus IV. The captain inadvertantly aided me in rediscovering some memories of this time. But when I meditated afterward to finish recalling the events, I found I could not.' I felt the tense sensation in my body rise and peak. Curious.

Sarek sighed as he watched me. 'I was apprehensive about this day. Now I find that it has come too soon. I must face the regret I have concerning the actions I took.'

'I do not understand.'

My father did not hide from me, but he did not appear pleased to be divulging the information he had previously kept from me. 'I created the memory block.'

'What purpose does it serve?' I asked curiously. I knew many beings would be upset at having their memory tampered with, but as emotionless as I was, I simply wanted to know why it was done.

'To protect you from the broken bond.' Sarek bowed his head, as if in remorse.

Bond? What bond?

'I am not bonded to anyone, Father.'

'You are no longer.' Sarek agreed softly. 'You became bonded to a being during your ordeal on Tarsus IV. It was to be expected, as you both were under great stress. But when the events were over, it was best to separate you.'

I absorbed this information, and after a few minutes of contemplation, reached a conclusion. 'Then you misinformed the captain. Jamie is not responsible for my condition. You are.'

Sarek nodded in agreement but seemed surprised by my statement in some way. 'What is your relationship with your captain?'

'Negligible. He has been here only a few days.' I replied, but I could not be sure of this. Our past seemed to make Kirk appear more familiar to me than most people. Was it the same for him? From his kindness last night, I suspected it was.

My father recognized this familiarity as well. 'And yet there are already changes in you. You have frowned, appeared agitated, and used your captain's old nickname quite spontaneously. Unless you are attempting to deceive me in some way?'

'I am not.' It was counterproductive to deceive the person who could help me explain my reactions.

'Then it seems that you are changing.' Sarek did not seem displeased by this possibility.

'Do you approve?' I asked in an attempt to confirm my assessment of his expression. I did not want to make a mistake, as my father was the one being I turned to for advice in all things.

'When your captain approached me initially, I was concerned. Although he told me you were in distress, I was not so sure. I may have to reevaluate the evidence, given what has happened in this short period of time.' I could not decipher the cues on Sarek's face well. But I estimated that he was feeling some sadness.

Rather than attempt to discover the reason, I chose to focus on the one word that he had never said before in connection with me. 'Distressed?'

Sarek squeezed his hands together in agitation. 'Yes. Your captain believed that he sensed pain from you when the Enterprise docked with the Farragut a year ago.'

I pondered this revelation until I remembered that something odd had happened during that ship-to-ship contact. 'I was ill during that time. Dr. Piper had surmised I caught desert fever from the young sehlat the Farragut was transporting to the Intrepid.'

Sarek nodded, but negated my previous physician's assessment. 'Kirk is convinced it was not physical. He believed your symptoms were caused by the bond attempting to repair itself.'

'But I did not see him during the rendevous.' How could the captain deduce my condition without being in my presence? And why would the bond attempt to reestablish itself if I hadn't remembered he existed?

I felt the tenseness build inside me when Sarek did not answer my questions, but instead revealed more of his manipulations of my life. 'Because I expressly forbid it. Therefore, he watched you on the security monitors aboard the Enterprise.'

This caused more surprise in me. I very rarely feel this sensation, as it requires a certain expectation of a situation. My lack of emotion seems to preclude expectations most of the time.

But now, my mind hovered over a question that intrigued me: why was the captain focused on me? 'Kirk wanted to see me? Why?'

'He believed he had sensed your presence periodically since he left you on Tarsus IV. He was sure he knew when you were within ten thousand kilometers of him.'

I blinked, not sure what to make of this possibility. 'Was he telling the truth?'

'Oh, I most certainly was,' said a voice behind me. I turned around to find Kirk leaning against the bathroom doorway. 'Sorry for the intrusion, but you left your side unlocked and I thought that invading your privacy would actually do you some good.' Kirk glared at my comm screen.

My father sighed defeatedly and nodded. 'Perhaps it will.'

Why was my father deferring to my captain? I looked between them, attempting to discern an answer.

Kirk shook his head at my father as he attempted to speak. 'You've done enough, Ambassador. It's my turn.'

He walked over to me calmly and stopped within a half of meter of me. 'We need each other, Spock. If I hadn't gone around your father and threatened Starfleet with losing my services, there's a good chance both of us would have been dead in a year.'

------------

end part 6


	4. Chapter 4

------------

'Dead?' I raised my eyebrow. 'Is that not a severely negative view?'

Kirk took my hand in his and examined it. 'I don't think so. I saw how sick you were last year. I could tell something was desperately wrong. So I did some research. I consulted the VSA and I went to Vulcan to talk to healers. They all told me the same thing. Basically, the broken bond had developed some kind of 'infection' because every time we got near each other, it tried to heal itself, but when we parted, it tore again.'

The thought was highly intriguing. 'Why did I not sense this?'

Kirk shrugged. 'In a way you did. You got sick from being close enough to sense me, but too far away to start healing the bond. But since you didn't remember me or the bond, you couldn't really understand what those symptoms were or how to deal with them.'

But something did not compute within this framework. 'Why do I not have any symptoms now?'

'You did last night,' Kirk countered. 'You nearly passed out when you remembered me.'

'But I am well now,' I replied. 'Should I not have more symptoms if the connection between us is infected?'

'Mmhmm.' Kirk hummed softly. 'What's different now?'

I thought for a moment. 'You.'

It was obvious where he was leading me, and from what I knew of bonds, I could not fault his logic. 'You stayed with me.'

'I was there when you became upset. And I was there to help you recover from the pain.' Jamie sat on the floor in front of me, echoing a stance I seemed to remember from long ago.

'But are you not the reason I reacted in that manner?' Similar to the day before, I had to resist the urge to reach for the captain's hand. Was this action part of the memories my father blocked? I suspected so.

'Yeah, I am,' he said softly. 'But I think you've always either been emotional or needed emotions from others when I've been around...'

I looked to the comm screen, where my father was still watching us. 'He knows, my son.'

'All of it?' Did Sarek tell him of my need? Or was the broken bond somehow telling him about my behavior?

'Including the meeting I interrupted last night.' Kirk sighed, confirming my suspicion about the bond. 'Barnes is fine, by the way, and I will look into his activities as soon as I can.'

When he saw my quirked eyebrow, Jamie tapped at his temple. 'I can't believe you can't feel it.'

'It is the memory block.' My father interrupted, appearing disturbed for a reason I could not decipher.

'But I can practically hear him think! You're telling me he can't hear me at all?!' the captain exclaimed.

'I cannot,' I interjected, hoping to calm Kirk, as his agitation seemed to create more tension in me.

But it appeared to make him worse. The anger on his face increased as he stomped over to my comm console.

My father had told me when I was young that many beings find a gentle touch calming. So I reached out to Kirk. But when our hands touched, I gasped in pain.

Which only made Kirk angrier. 'The block is hurting him! It needs to be removed,' the captain snapped at my father. 'He can't go on like this.'

'To do so would be to risk his demise, Captain,' my father insisted as I tried to watch both of them simultaneously. I found myself disoriented by the attempt.

Kirk looked me over carefully. 'It has to go. It's making the infection worse. He's trying to find all those memories of us now. The bond is trying to help him, but the block is getting in the way.

'Oh, don't look so worried, Ambassador.' The captain's voice had a mysteriously mocking tone as he turned back to the console. 'You're right. We can't get rid of it now. If we yank it out, the psychic shock will probably kill us. Unlike most Vulcans, Spock has no idea how to treat an injured bond.' Kirk glared at my father.

Sarek bowed his head slightly. 'I did not think it necessary to teach him about bonding. I did not believe he would ever have another.'

'Oh, he might not,' Kirk agreed in a sharp tone. 'He might just decide he likes the one he has.'

Sarek sighed, but nodded. 'Please see a healer and make sure Spock is adequately informed before embarking on this path. But I must warn you, James. It will be difficult. You are no longer children, and he has been without emotion since your departure.'

'I know.' The captain immediately lost his mocking tone when he saw the remorse on Sarek's face. Instead of expressing more animosity, he bowed his head respectfully toward my father. 'But most things that are worth the effort are difficult. Your son will be safe in my care.'

I supposed that if I were an emotional being, I would be honored by their battle of words. But I felt nothing, and this time, my lack of affect made me tense. For once, part of me wished that I could appreciate their care.

At the same time, I could feel the need growing inside me. Somehow, it had been exacerbated by the events here.

Overwhelmed by my quickly growing hunger, I looked between my captain and my father and stood up. 'I must leave.' Without another word, I walked out my cabin door.

I headed to the recreation room at the end of the hall in hope of finding an appropriate victim.

But before I could open the door, I felt a prick at my neck and fell unconscious.

When I woke, I was once again in my room, with a worried captain and CMO standing over me.

'What did you say was wrong with him?' I heard Dr. Leonard McCoy say as I kept my eyes mostly closed. It was best for them to think I was still unconscious. For once they left, I intended to again pursue a victim.

'He's having an acute stress reaction.' Kirk said clinically, as if he were a physician himself. His tone made me speculate that he had done intensive study on my condition before boarding the ship. 'I stirred up some rather violent memories in him.'

McCoy looked surprised. 'You sound as if you know exactly what memories.'

Kirk nodded. 'We've met before. No, I don't want to discuss it.' He stopped the doctor's comment with a wave of his hand. 'Let's just say the circumstances were rather painful.'

'From the way you are avoiding the topic, I can guess you were a victim of whatever happened. Him, too?' McCoy asked, waving at me.

The captain nodded. 'It was worse for him. He was never allowed a chance to heal.'

McCoy sighed as his eyes swept over my form. 'That damned unemotional society of his.'

Kirk nodded but did not enlighten the doctor any further.

McCoy sighed again. 'Let me know if you need anymore help with him.'

'I'll be fine, Bones. I'm taking it slowly.' Kirk reached toward me, but his hand stopped before I felt his touch. I could tell by the expression on his face that he did not want to cause me pain.

But before I could ponder why he wanted to touch me, Lieutenant Uhura called over the loudspeakers. 'Captain Kirk to the bridge. Captain to the bridge. We are in orbit around Reteen.'

'Damn.' Kirk swore softly.

'Do you want me to stay with him?' McCoy's voice was gentle with affection. However, I knew it was directed solely at Kirk. The CMO had barely seen me since he came aboard with Kirk.

'No, I think he'll be fine. He just needs a chance to calm down. Giving him some time alone might actually help. I'll leave him a note.' Kirk left my field of vision in order to write his missive to me.

'Ok, let's go.' A moment later, McCoy also left my sight.

As soon as I heard the door shut, I sat up and opened my eyes completely.

Kirk was correct. I did need some time alone. But he was wrong about why. I simply needed more time to find a victim correctly, by following my father's rules. When Kirk had thwarted me so easily, I had seen confirmation of Sarek's wisdom.

So I kneeled on my meditation mat until I came up with the name of a crewmember that suited my needs.

Kevin Riley. He was new to the ship. He had come with Kirk and the others. But he had a record of insubordination and of making a nuisance of himself in many ways. Practical jokes, insults, and malicious rumors were all part of his repertoire.

So an hour later, I went down to the engine room, where I expected Riley to be alone at his post.

The lieutenant was singing softly to himself when I quietly approached him from behind. It was an Irish tune about a female named Kathleen. But his song abruptly ended as I wrapped a hand around his forehead and simultaneously pulled him into a meld.

His fear made me weak with hunger from the first moment I felt it. I devoured it even before he began to fight me. I knew this one would be dead when I was finished. My need was too strong for it to be otherwise.

So I made him fight for his life and sucked his mental energy into me. Until I felt a force pull at me from the back at my mind.

Stop! Not Kevin! Please, not Kevin! it screamed.

The voice broke my concentration, and I fell out of the meld and onto the floor.

As I did, I saw Kirk rush into the engine room with McCoy fast on his heels. '*I* will take care of Spock, Bones. Don't touch him. Just get Riley out of here.'

Kirk's face was the last thing I saw as I felt another hypo at my neck.

----------

end part 7

----------

When I woke, I was restrained. After a moment to survey the room, I realized that I was confined to my own bed, and that Captain Kirk was pacing and speaking quietly to himself at my feet. I could barely make out his words, as it appeared he was attempting to not disturb my enforced rest.

'I could tell Bones he was trying to help Riley,' he said softly as I watched. 'But he was there. He'd never believe it.'

Kirk turned to walk past the bed another time, but did not see that I was awake. He was staring at the floor in front of him. 'Maybe I could say he thought Riley was a threat to him...'

'Perhaps it is best to put me in the brig.' I suggested quietly, making Kirk raise his head and grace me with a stern gaze.

'Not an option,' the captain returned firmly. 'I won't have my bondmate imprisoned for something he doesn't have control over.'

'I am not your bondmate any longer,' I countered logically.

'Not through our choice,' Kirk raged softly. The anger in his voice was unexpected, but it seemed to be directed at an unseen adversary rather than myself. Given the topic of conversation, I concluded its intended target was my father. 'If it had been our decision, we wouldn't be having these problems.'

Then, rather suddenly, he put his hands up to his head and groaned. Staggering slightly, he moved toward the wall to lean against it.

For an unknown reason, I was bothered by his pain. Something about it suggested I was the cause of it.

'Are you ill, Captain?' Forgetting the restraints momentarily, I reached for him. They pulled me back onto the bed almost instantly.

'Huh?' Kirk groaned sofly but shook his head. 'It's nothing.'

I did not believe him. His distress made that itch inside me return. 'You are obviously in pain. Perhaps you should see the doctor.'

'We have more important concerns right now.' Kirk resumed his pacing. But now, after each pass, he paused to study my face. 'I need to figure out how to keep you on the ship.'

His endeavor was illogical. I was a liability to the ship, and we both knew it. But if he wished to pursue this course of action, I, as his first officer, was obliged to help him. 'You told McCoy that I was suffering from a traumatic reaction earlier. If you are going to insist that I stay, you only need to extend that explanation.'

'Of course I want to keep you on the ship. You belong here.' The captain stopped walking to study my face in depth. 'You don't get it, do you?'

'What am I supposed to 'get'?' I asked with a raised eyebrow.

'I'm trying to help you,' Jamie said quietly, with a note of pleading in his voice. That tone sent a shiver through my body.

But since I did not understand my own response, I continued logically, 'I do not need any aid in my endeavors. I have been functioning adequately.'

He sighed, his hands clenched by his sides. 'Yeah, so adequately that you almost killed Baby Kevin!'

It took me a minute to search my memories, but since my experiences with that person were not associated with the bond, it was simple to navigate around my father's block.

When I remembered, a gasp slipped out of me. Baby Kevin? I hurt Baby Kevin? My stomach chose this time to have difficulty digesting my dinner. I suddenly felt queasy. Was this illness...or was this another reaction? I could not tell, as I had never associated stomach upset with an emotion before.

My memory shifted to when I had known Kevin Riley in another capacity. When we were on Tarsus IV, the infant had been both friend and toy. In fact, Baby Kevin had been the center of our play some days.

Kevin was eight months old when we met him, a few days after coming to Tarsus IV. At four years, we felt very old and wise compared to him. So one day, I chose to take responsibility for his upbringing.

I described my mission to my new friend as his aunt walked us over to the Riley's.

'You can't teach a baby to walk, Spock. They learn that on their own.' Jamie declared knowingly as we sat down to play with the boy.

'I can and I will,' I retorted. 'He needs a good teacher. He might learn to walk the wrong way if I don't help him.' I picked the baby up and with struggling arms, stood him upright against my chest, where he wobbled and giggled.

'Don't drop him!' Jamie exclaimed, holding out his hands to try to catch Kevin if my arms slipped.

'I will not.' Slowly I coaxed Kevin to walk a few steps while I held him up, but of course the baby's legs did not support him for long and we both crashed to the floor a minute later.

Jamie laughed at our predicament with an infuriating expression of superiority. 'See, I told you.'

'It was only his first try. He must practice.' I glared up at my companion. Then we were both distracted by Kevin, who was trying to wrap his tiny fingers around my ear.

'No, Baby. Those don't come off.' Jamie rescued me by picking Kevin up and putting him on the blanket where his toys lay.

That was only the first of many times I attempted to aid Kevin. If my memory was accurate, the child was walking on his own two months later.

The past faded away as I watched Kirk stare at me. He wanted me to acknowledge my error. I could see the accusation on his face.

So I acceded to his wishes. 'I apologize. It was not my intention to hurt your acquaintances.'

The captain sighed. 'All 430 of these people are my acquaintances now, Spock.' He ran his fingers through his hair. 'What are we going to do? I can't have you attacking the crew.'

'Then I should not be on the ship, Captain.'

Kirk shook his head and came over to my side. 'Can I trust you to not attack anyone until we figure this out?'

'Yes. My condition was partially relieved by Lieutenant Riley.' I found that I wanted to please him. If restraining my need more than usual would accomplish this, I would do it.

He did not ask if I was telling the truth, which was curious. I was sure that he knew many humans would say whatever necessary to be freed from restraints. They would not consider the immorality of lying for more than a moment.

Then as I watched, Kirk closed his eyes, as if listening to a voice from within.

'I can hear those wheels turning, Commander.' He smiled as he opened his eyes.

'Wheels, Sir?' I raised my eyebrow.

'The ones inside your head.' Kirk released the restraints and helped me sit up, being careful not to touch my skin so he didn't aggravate the our injured connection. 'I can pick up many of your thoughts from the bond even though it's fractured.'

'But you did not pick up my deception earlier.'

'The bond *is* broken.' Kirk sat on the bed next to me. 'I have to concentrate to get any information out of it.'

I nodded, now understanding how I could deceive him so easily while he was talking to Dr. McCoy, but he could track me down just as easily when he found me no longer in my quarters.

Kirk looked at me plaintatively. 'Promise me you won't do that again until we figure out how to give you what you need without anyone getting hurt. I want you to be able to satisfy that need of yours safely.'

He held up his hand as I was about to protest. 'Don't tell me you can do without it. I can feel how it eats at you.'

'But you are indicating that if I were to indulge the need, I would be risking my job on this ship.' I moved away from him to try to quell the agitation he suddenly exhibited. I knew from my father that my presence often disturbed people because I was 'not quite right'.

Kirk sighed and stared at the spot I had vacated. He did not calm when I gave him space. Rather, he seemed bereft without me near. But that did not stop him from trying to reassure me. 'It's a hell of a conundrum, but I'll find a way to work it out. Let me know when that feeling overwhelms you again. Right now, I have to try to make some excuse to Bones.'

I agreed that this was the best course of action. So, with a nod and an odd look of want directed at me, Kirk left to discuss the situation with the doctor.

Apparently, he was able to satisfy McCoy. I heard no more about it.

Instead the captain treated me as if nothing had happened when I entered the bridge the next morning.

I took his behavior as a cue and acted the same. However, I found myself wondering if Kirk would keep his promise. When I had a few moments of inactivity, I weighed the chance of him needing time to develop his plan to help me against the chance of him abandoning the task because he found it too difficult or not to his liking.

'I know that thought doesn't bother you,' Kirk whispered in my ear a minute later. He had stepped up to the science station without my notice. 'But it irritates me to realize you believe I would do that to you. No, I didn't abandon you. I just need time.'

I gave him a look of disbelief. He had left his seat simply to reassure me? I did not understand why he would concern himself with correcting my musings.

'You will in time.' Kirk said softly before going back to the captain's chair.

That was when I realized how much information he gathered from our bond, even though I still could not feel anything because of the block. Our connection was growing stronger. The captain could practically read my mind now, and often did so during our shared activities. He retrieved my lunch for me before I could, would often finish my sentences when we were in discussion, and sent me to sickbay immediately after Commander Scott accidentally dropped his electrical toolbox on my foot.

If I was emotional, I would have been annoyed with the captain for 'hovering'.

Even so, by body ached slightly every time I noticed him catering to me. I sensed the pain he felt every time he accessed the bond.

Kirk rubbed his temples every time he 'read' me, and he began to look rather haggard by the end of our shift. This was unsatisfactory. So when we left the bridge for the night, I pulled him aside and requested he refrain from using the bond.

Kirk shook his head. 'I have my reasons. Trust me, it will be worth it in the end.'

His hovering went on for six weeks. In that time, he slowly began to teach me the nuances of human behavior that my father could not.

His efforts made a large difference in my interactions. This became apparent to me one night when I met him and Dr. McCoy for dinner.

When I walked into the mess hall, McCoy was complaining to the captain about how Mr. Scott caused a 'bumpy ride' for his patients because of engine problems the day before. As I sat down next to them with my salad, Kirk chided him, saying that the engineer was doing his best to keep the ship running smoothly and that problems were to be expected on any ship.

Although I did not voice it, I wondered why McCoy was complaining. The problems were not Mr. Scott's fault. They were simply caused by wear on the engines.

Of course, the captain read my thoughts. It came easily to him now, and only caused a small twinge of pain to appear on his face.

'He needs to blow off some steam.' Kirk whispered to me when McCoy stood up to retrieve another beverage. 'Sometimes we complain about each other a little just so we can vent our frustrations and get back to work.'

I pondered this idea intently. It was a rather odd tradition, but in a way, it was not very different from meditation. So, in the interest of the the crew's mental health, I formed a plan.

I waited until McCoy returned to us, then asked the doctor, 'Were your patients made uncomfortable by the instability of the ship, or was it your constant complaining that troubled them?'

Kirk snorted in amusement when he heard this. McCoy, however, gaped at me in disbelief for a few moments before exclaiming, 'Why you green-blooded devil. I bet it was you who caused the engine problems, just so I would complain!'

I raised my eyebrow and felt an unusual sense of satisfaction when Jamie burst out laughing.

The doctor, on the other hand, appeared rather disgruntled by the whole conversation.

This was a rather interesting learning experience for me, one that lead to an integration with the crew that I did not have previously.

Because of what people heard me say in the mess hall that night and on subsequent days when the doctor and I were together, I found myself invited to card games and other recreation activities. Crew members asked to sit with me during meals. Many solicited my advice on a wide variety of subjects.

When these interactions began occuring with regular frequency, Kirk was either by my side or he sent one of his trusted advisors, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott, to 'teach me about the human condition'. Through this, it became apparent that the captain had excused my behavior toward Mr. Riley as self-defense. He had claimed I saw the lieutenant's behavior as a threat.

So the three of them taught me about casual human conversation. An interesting activity, if not very efficient.

Curiously, I found myself spending much more time with my captain engaged in it.

The time was necessary, as it was only with him that I was able to discuss situations as I saw them: factual events without the confusion brought about by feelings. But through discourse with Kirk, I was able to understand, if not feel, the emotions a human would have during those same situations.

One event that we discussed in great detail was the time the captain needed to rescue me from a group of money-seeking Ferengi.

I encountered this particular group of Ferengi on Starbase 6 while the captain was meeting with Admiral Nogura. Although I attempted to avoid their attention as I ate at the base's vegetarian restaurant, they persisted in demanding to speak with me. Somehow, they had come to the conclusion that I knew where the Enterprise's store of latinum was.

When I told them that the Enterprise had no such wealth, they accused me of telling a blatant falsehood.

Then they used my practical nature against me. While one being engaged me in a conversation concerning the logic of lying, another used a sedative to make it easier to take me back to their ship.

By the time I woke, the Ferengi had laid me out on a bunk, sped away from the starbase and contacted the Enterprise demanding ransom.

It was during my time on their ship that I realized how drastically my life had changed. My enlightening began as I left the bunk and neared the viewscreen at the forward bulkhead.

I found the freedom of movement useful, but I suspected I had it only by accident. In their haste to get me aboard without being noticed, the Ferengi forgot to restrain me. They then compounded their error by allowing me to stay there unsupervised. I used their mistakes to my advantage and moved to a place behind them where it was difficult to see me if they turned around.

It was from this vantage point that I listened to my crew and found myself surprised by what they revealed.

'I will not give you anything.' Kirk was saying as I slipped into my hiding place. 'Starfleet does not respond to threats.'

'Then we will kill him!' The Daimon hissed.

Humans were well-known across the galaxy for their sanctity of life. Although many species in the Federation, including Vulcans, also ascribed to this belief, the Ferengi did not. Their people believed in using any tactic that would give them profit. Therefore, it was logical for them to exploit what they saw as a weakness in the other party.

However, Kirk was correct. Starfleet upheld a policy of not negotiating with those attempting terrorist or blackmailing tactics.

With this in mind, I was prepared to die, for I did not consider myself a candidate for rescue. It would be inefficient for the Enterprise to use its resources to get me back. I knew that another first officer could be found easily. If I could find a way to speak with the captain, perhaps I could recommend Mr. Scott.

But as I pondered this, I began to notice how severely I had miscalculated human emotions.

It first became apparent after the Ferengi's harsh words. As the Daimon threatened my existence, I heard small gasps from the bridge crew.

I found this most curious. My situation evoked distress in my co-workers. This implied an emotional connection to me. The only other persons in whom I had noticed similar reactions were my parents.

Until I noticed Jamie's face on the viewscreen. It took me a mere millisecond to recognize his anger at the Ferengi.

The other emotions appearing on his visage were more unfamiliar.

These expressions occurred when my captors finally noticed me behind them and dragged me in front of the screen. I assumed they were directed at me or my situation.

I saw...worry. Intense worry, the type that often stems from guilt. Then another, softer emotion surfaced on Kirk's face when he asked, 'Have they hurt you?'

'No, Captain,' I said bemusedly. Why was he worried about whether I was harmed? Was I not to be sacrificed for the good of the crew?

'No!' Jamie yelled in response to my questions. He could hear my thoughts. That must mean that they were nearby. So I turned my head to look out the window on the side of the Ferengi ship. There, in shadow underneath the wing, was the port nacelle of the Enterprise.

While the captain spoke, Chekov must have been attempting to neutralize the Ferengi's transporter block, because a minute later I was beamed into Transporter Room 1 of the Enterprise.

Mr. Scott greeted me warmly when I arrived and expressed his satisfaction at having me back. A minute later, the captain burst through the door, out of breath. He appeared to have run directly from the bridge.

Very odd. Why would he run to see me? Had I not shown signs of incompetence by allowing myself to be captured?

As the captain began to speak, I realized this thought had not even crossed his mind.

'Don't you *ever* say anything like that again!' Jamie yelled into my face once he caught his breath. 'I will never sacrifice you willingly! And if for some reason I had no choice, it certainly wouldn't be for something so minor! Those Ferengi were schoolyard bullies. They were no threat to us! I just...They could have hurt or killed you before we had a chance to get you back.'

With that, my captain pulled me into his arms and embraced me tightly.

Oddly enough, I found myself hugging him back. And this time, Jamie's touch did not cause me even one twinge of pain.

----------

end part 8


	5. Chapter 5

----------

After my kidnapping, Jamie began to spend as much personal time with me as possible. His continued hovering bordered on intrusive. When I asked Dr. McCoy why the captain was acting this way, the doctor replied, 'You scared the living daylights out of him when you were captured by the Ferengi. He could have lost a good friend that day. That takes some time to get over.'

After watching Kirk more thoroughly, I found that McCoy was partially correct. I could see fear on Jamie's face when he was near me. But his actions, such as encouraging me into activities and making sure I was never alone for an extended period of time, did not seem to stem from the type of fear the doctor suggested. I instead began to believe that because I had offered my life to him while on the Ferengi ship, the captain now feared that I might one day kill myself.

I could feel the tenseness return to my body when I considered the distress I was causing him. So the next day, I attempted to 'face the issue head on', as Dr. McCoy would say.

'I did not want to die on the Ferengi ship.' I said softly as we sat down to dinner in the mess hall. 'Nor do I wish my existence to cease now. You do not need to fear that I am a danger to myself.'

Jamie looked at me with a sad smile. 'I know.'

'Then I do not understand. Why did my thoughts about death aboard the Ferengi ship disturb you?'

The captain sighed and wrung his hands. I knew he could feel my need for an answer, but he seemed hesitant to give me one. Finally, after a long moment, he did. 'I'm not worried about you wanting to die. I'm worried about...the way you believe I handle command.'

His tone suggested that I had offended him in some way. Odd.

I began to eat to give myself time to ponder his statement. I started with what I knew about our views concerning life and death, for although the captain had denied a fear of me taking my life, I knew that his comment somehow centered around the subject.

Kirk had a habit of being troubled by my casual regard for life, even though he knew my opinion was the result of my lack of emotion. Althought my attitude was beginning to change as I connected to my crewmates, I still had difficulty understanding why he and other humans considered each life so precious.

But Jamie knew this and accepted my point of view. So he would often stifle his expressions during discussions about life and death as a way of showing his understanding. We 'agreed to disagree' on this particular subject. Therefore, I could not comprehend why he was so upset now.

I had only held up my life for forfeit in case Jamie needed it for the well-being of the ship...

In case *he* needed.

He said his concern centered about what I believed his thoughts had been. I closed my eyes and remembered. After a few moments, I realized what was worrying him.

I shook my head, denying his conclusion. 'I did not make the offer because I believed you wanted it. I simply thought it was the most efficient course of action.

'Nothing in your words or deeds has made me think that my death would please you. In fact, you regard me as if I'm superior to the rest of the crew. Truly, you single me out in a way some would consider unseemly.'

'I don't think I've done anything that would get me into trouble...yet.' Jamie said enigmatically as the tension in his body dissapated. So he knew of the dangers imminent in his actions. However, his words and expression implied that he was in no hurry to change his behavior.

I frowned, wondering why he did not seem worried. 'Were you planning to act inappropriately?'

The captain laughed softly. 'Let's not discuss this here. Why don't we meet for a game of chess in my room after we finish our work?'

Then, as we ate, he steered our conversation to crew evaluations.

Two hours later, I walked through our bathroom to find the captain at the chess board, twirling one of the pieces distractedly. I paused in the doorway, waiting for him to look up.

As I watched, I wished that I could read his mind. He often had me at a disadvantage because he could acquire my thoughts easily through the bond.

Jamie looked up, having heard them once again. 'I know it's unfair. I'm trying to correct that. All this...' He waved his hand expansively. 'Interacting and discussing how people react is my way of trying to get you ready for when the block is gone.'

He put the piece on the board and invited me to sit in the chair across from him. 'But lately I've been wondering if taking that block away is the right thing to do.'

'What is under debate?' I asked as I sat down, perplexed. Was the block not hindering my personal development? Why would Jamie not want to remove it?

'I don't know if you want me around for the rest of your life.' Kirk made the first move on the chessboard automatically. 'Your emotions haven't come back enough for me to tell.'

'What emotions?' I stared at the piece I was about to move as I searched my mind. I had not felt the fierce waves of anger or upset that Surak had warned my people about. I felt the same as I always had, disconnected and emotionless.

Kirk chuckled and shook his head. 'Sarek warned me about this part. He told me you wouldn't be able to perceive your own feelings. He'll be glad to know he was right about something.'

'I am not emotional,' I insisted as I felt a tightening in my chest. It made my voice come out as a low rumble similar to a sehlat's.

'Oh, really?' the captain asked calmly. 'Then why are you growling at me?'

I blinked. 'Because my body is tense.'

'And why is that?' Jamie was whispering now, a cue he had used over the past weeks to remind me to look at myself as well as those around me when I analyzed a situation.

So I looked within and found an answer. 'Because it is not proper that I am emotional.'

Jamie nodded pensively. 'Given where you come from, that's understandable. But you have been showing emotions, in Vulcan form, of course. And look how much good it's done.'

'Good?' I could not see any advantage to these uncontrollable responses.

'The crew isn't interested in you just because you know how to needle Bones. Anyone can do that, in the right situation. Or the wrong one, actually,' Jamie laughed. 'It's because they like what they're beginning to see under that neutral exterior of yours.'

'But I do not feel different,' I argued. I was not comfortable admitting that I was changing so drastically. Would this not make me an outcast among my people?

'I know it's frightening,' Jamie said softly. 'But I'll help you get used to the feelings. I'm not going to abandon you this time. I don't care what your father says.'

I stared at him, puzzled by his words. Why did he believe I felt fear? And what concerned my father about our relationship?

Jamie smiled and shook his head. 'Neither of us will get our answers today. You're not ready for them yet. Let's play. And why don't you tell me about that instrument you're teaching Nyota?'

So I told him about Lieutenant Uhura's lessons on the lytherette as we played chess.

But I did not forget the captain's search for knowledge about what I wished for the future. For part of me believed it corresponded with his cryptic tales of the emotions I now supposedly had.

But I did not get an explanation for many months. In all, it took half a year for us to get the answers we sought.

By that time, I had integrated with the crew more completely than I had ever thought possible. In addition, I started to understand that the captain was right about my physical responses. They were emotions. It seemed that my mind, not having processed feelings correctly for decades, chose physiological expression as its outlet, while leaving my thoughts rather unaffected.

So each night, I spent some of my meditation time analyzing my behavior and attempting to decipher which emotions I had felt during the day. I found that I experienced many nuanced feelings in the months since Jamie's proclamation. They were not as strong as the emotions of those around me, but they were most definitely within me.

One side effect of my new awareness was that I needed to feed my hunger less. It did not disappear, but within the six months Captain Kirk was aboard, it reduced drastically. I needed two victims in addition to Lieutenant Riley, whereas in the year before, I had taken twelve.

And in that endeavor, as promised, Jamie aided me.

The first time my need overtook me after his warning, I illogically tried to hide it from him. I tried meditating to ease my distress, as I did not want to disappoint him by taking someone aboard the ship.

But I made the mistake of missing our scheduled breakfast together the morning after I started the struggle with myself. This, of course, alerted Jamie. As one would expect, he searched my mind for the reason for my absence.

At 0800, the captain slipped through the bathroom, using his lock override to get into my cabin.

'Didn't I tell you to inform me when this came up?' he whispered in my ear as I knelt at my meditation candle. 'This would be easier to handle if I had some warning.'

I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. 'I did not wish to compromise your position.'

Kirk sighed. 'By the way you're acting, you seem to believe your position means nothing. Oh, don't give me that look.' He waved a finger at me. 'I can tell you actually *like* being first officer.'

'But the captain is infinitely more important to the functioning of the ship.'

'Not if he's buried in paperwork.' Kirk chuckled. 'I know you do half of mine as well as your own. And that's probably the smallest of the reasons I need you here, Spock. The others, well, I don't think you're ready to hear them yet.' I had expected this last sentence, as he had been telling me for the last two months that there were some truths that would be disconcerting to me until I could understand and process emotions well.

But my new skills did not negate my hunger. Nothing would. 'You cannot do anything for me,' I tried again.

'You're wrong again, Mr. Spock,' Kirk replied with a gentle smile. 'We'll find what you need at...' He checked the PADD in his hand. 'Starbase 3. We should be there in a few hours.'

I raised my eyebrow. What had he planned in order to give me what I needed?

Kirk sighed and patted my shoulder. 'Trust me, okay?'

I nodded. Since he had come aboard the ship, I had been trusting him instinctively. Now that I was conscious of it, I saw no reason to stop. 'I will stay here until we reach the starbase.' I would be safe and would not put the crew in danger while locked in my quarters.

'Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me.' Jamie turned around and started to walk toward the bathroom. But he stopped when he heard my thoughts.

I tried to keep my musings to myself, but because of the way my father had blocked my memories and hence part of the bond, I could not even use the instinctive shielding that I used to keep out those who touched me.

So he heard me when I discovered that part of me wished for him to satisfy my hunger.

'Why, Spock?' Jamie whispered. He sounded shocked, but I could also hear the interest in his voice.

His curiosity intrigued me. However, I could not satisfy it at this time. 'I do not know.'

The captain sighed and nodded with a disappointed expression. 'When you can tell me why, I will consider it.'

Startled by his easy acquiescence, even though it wouldn't happen until a later date, I protested. 'I would not see you hurt. I can be most violent.'

Jamie shrugged. 'But if it's something I can provide you, I will. I just need to know why first. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons.'

Although I wished to ask what those reasons were, I could tell that he would not be willing to answer me at this time. So, I nodded hesitantly as he headed back to his room.

And I waited for him to show me his solution to my problem.

Jamie's plan was unique, something I would not have considered myself. He found a volunteer to feed my hunger. A Deltan female.

She was an asthetically attractive woman who held herself rather stiffly as we met her in private quarters on Starbase 3. Her eyes, however, were what humans call 'kind'. They revealed her empathy towards others.

In this way, she reminded me of the photographs I've seen of T'Pol, the Vulcan who served aboard the second spaceship named Enterprise.

Jamie introduced the Deltan then told me softly, 'Kalia assured me that she wants to help you and that she can handle anything you dish out.'

'I have aided other people in similar conditions.' Kalia turned to me with precise formality. My new understanding of emotions lead me to the conclusion that she did this to make me feel more comfortable. 'Yours is a rare reaction to trauma, but it is not unheard of. The length of time it has been allowed to continue untreated, however, is cause for concern.'

'That's his father's fault,' the captain said in a bitter tone. 'He kept me away from Spock for too long.'

The Deltan faced Kirk. 'From what you and Sarek have told me, you've made excellent progress in helping him heal. Do not be discouraged. It may take decades for him to make as much progress as you desire.'

After they talked for a few more minutes, I 'poked' the captain to get his attention. I knew that any strong thought I had was amplified through the bond. So I 'shouted' in my mind. Was I not here to be helped?! Did I not need to feed my need before it took me over completely?! I did not like the fact that I was being ignored by this female and my captain.

Jamie winced, as I was rather forceful. 'Sorry. You're right. We got a little carried away. But Kalia's been our consultant since about a month after I came aboard the Enterprise.'

'*Our* consultant?' I raised my eyebrow.

'Yeah, I made your father hire her. I knew I needed advice on how to get through to you almost from the minute I walked onto the ship. So Sarek found Kalia. She has helped a great deal.' Jamie looked at me sheepishly. 'I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want you to be embarrassed. And I---wasn't exactly comfortable with needing help.'

Kalia turned back to me. 'Your captain was also very protective of you. I did not know who you were until you walked through the door. All communication went through Sarek, who lead me to believe you were a statesman working for the High Council.'

Interesting. This was not the first time I had found the captain guarding me, but I still did not understand why he took these actions.

'I couldn't have the wrong people finding out. It wouldn't be good for you.' Jamie sighed. 'Ok, you and Kalia will stay in this room while you do whatever you need to. I'll...find something else to do for awhile.' He blushed rather severely. 'Call me if you need me. Kalia has a panic button if things get out of hand, okay?'

I examined the small device the Deltan held out to me.

'Either of us can use it in case of emergency.' Kalia indicated as she laid it on the low table next to the couch.

'I'll just--see myself out then.' Jamie was blushing again as he walked to the door.

Once the captain left, I looked to the Deltan counselor and with a bluntness I believed she would understand, I requested, 'Please explain the captain's emotion.'

'He understands that to some, what we will be doing is sexual in nature.' Kalia said quietly, still keeping her formal tone.

'I do not wish to have carnal relations with you.' I had not needed sex up to this point. I understood this was odd even for Vulcans, though they hid their desires until their Time. But I did not consider my lack of interest a problem.

Apparently, neither did Kalia because she simply nodded. 'I know. But as I explained to your father earlier, many in Deltan society who have this reaction choose their life-partner as their 'victim' because of the intimate qualities this type of sharing can have.'

'Intriguing. Will you show me this?' Even though I had no interest in the act myself, I was curious about how others fed their hunger with sex.

The Deltan smiled slightly, losing some of her formal stance. 'I will, to the extent that it does not compromise my life-partner. She understands that I must be intimate with those like yourself to help them, but there are boundaries I will not allow you to cross.'

'I will heed your warnings.' But I was left to wonder if this would be as satifying as my other encounters. The restriction could hinder the meld's effectiveness.

I should not have worried. The meld with Kalia was more satisfying than the others.

But yet, I found myself wanting more.

When I entered the Deltan's mind, she quickly converted her mental presence to a 'visible' form, as most humans are apt to do. Then she went on the defensive.

She fought well, but did not attempt to overwhelm me. She did not use all of her mental strength. I could feel her holding back. But she was gave me more than a human could.

As she struggled, she would give up some of her emotions to me.

Her feelings were different from those I gathered from the humans. There was little fear, and what I found was not directed at me, but was for me. Then I felt her caring. She honestly wished me well. I felt some surprise at this, as I was still attempting to understand how I had gained 430, now 431 people who cared about me in the space of a few months.

My surprise brought forth sadness in her. As I did not understand her reaction, I resolved to ask Jamie about it later.

Lastly, I glimpsed some of the emotions she shared with her life-partner. She did not give up much. She put up a block I could not break when I tried to force her to give me more. But I sensed the love, the devotion, and the overwhelming caring for her mate. I absorbed them greedily, never having been exposed to these feelings.

But I found that was not enough. I wanted those emotions to be directed at me. Somehow, I knew that would have made absorbing them much more satisfying.

After an hour, we both began to tire. My hunger had been satisfied, even though I now had an odd sensation in my abdomen from my desire to be someone's life-partner. So we faded back to mist on the mental plane. Then, with a strong mental shove, Kalia threw me out of the meld.

When I came back to the physical realm, I found that I was uncomfortable. My abdomen was slightly cold and when I moved, the hairs on that part of my body seemed to be caught in my clothing.

Curious, I reached down and found that the front of my civilian trousers was wet. As there was no water anywhere near us, I could think of only one cause for this. The meld had caused a physical reaction within me.

Kalia watched my incredulity with a smile, and when I raised my eyebrow, she let out a chuckle. '*That* is why your captain was uncomfortable leaving you with me.'

----------

end part 9

----------

When Jamie and I returned to the ship an hour later, I found myself watching him carefully. Kalia's comment about what had happened at the end of our meeting had me analyzing his behavior in detail. I wanted to know more about sexuality, or more specifically, sexual acts with my captain.

But I still did not feel sexual desire, which would be necessary to engage in that behavior. So as we walked back to our cabins, I focused on the latest revelations I had been given.

Through my time with Kalia, I had discovered revealing truths about myself. I did not want to absorb the emotions of random strangers, or vague acquaintances. I did not want to spend my life alone. Most of all, I wanted to be with someone who would accept both myself and my needs.

Logic and my new-found emotionality suggested that I could find what I desired in one person: James Kirk.

I could not however, simply forge ahead and ask him to form an exclusive relationship with me. For although he suited my needs, I was not sure I was the right person for him.

Many of my ways directly opposed my captain's. There were two ideas that I believed would obstruct any possibility of having a relationship with him.

First, Jamie was a very social man.

The vast majority of the people who met the captain liked and admired him. He was often considered 'the life of the party'. Kirk seemed to revel in the attention, gaining energy from the people around him.

On the other hand, I was a rather private and reserved being, even after his interventions. I did not seek out others, and although I could now hold a casual conversation, I preferred my science experiments to social outings.

If I was with him in the way Kalia suggested, I would hold him back from the attention he needed.

Second, Jamie was a very sexual man. I felt apprehension when pondering his need for physical encounters, for I knew I could never provide him with the satisifaction he sought on a regular basis. Through long contemplation, I could only conclude that it was best to not interfere with the way he handled this need.

Jamie often admired both women and men openly. I had, on numerous occasions, watched his eyes trace the form of attractive beings before he offered to spend some time with them at a private location.

The first time I saw him do this, I found it curious. As I did not have any sexual needs, I wondered at the pleasure on his face when the young lady agreed to go with him. Later, I found it logical, as his encounters always seemed to improve relations between us and the group his partner represented.

But after my visit on Starbase 3, I found his encounters disturbing.

The first time the captain went off with a partner after my meeting with Kalia, I had to stop myself from restraining him before he could leave. I wanted him for myself. This was not logical, as I could not provide him with what he needed, but the desire was overwhelming.

I stepped back quickly, but the captain stared for a moment at the hand I had begun to reach out toward him. Then he squeezed my shoulder and left the mess hall.

That night, the captain was gone longer than usual. He most often was absent three to five hours with the partner of his choice, but that particular encounter lasted the entire night.

With Jamie gone, I found myself quite unsettled.

Sleep eluded me. When I laid down, I wondered what Jamie was doing with the small brunette he had chosen.

Did he kiss her in the human way? On the lips? Or all over her petite form? Did he hold her tightly?

Did she appreciate his attention?

I found myself angered at the thought of the woman not giving the captain the respect he deserved. For I knew his skills would be exemplary, although I never experienced them. None of the people he had been with ever complained. In fact, many asked for a second time.

If her response was unsatisfactory, I would find a way to take her place. I would see the doctor and find a way to create physical desire within me so that I could properly cater to Jamie.

This need was so strong that I almost rose from my bed to call Dr. McCoy. But I held back, reminding myself that I could not proceed without knowing if Jamie desired me. In addition, if I attempted such an act, the block my father had placed in my mind would cause us both pain the moment we attempted to touch skin-to-skin.

So, rather than staying in bed and risking the chance that the impulse would overtake me, I spent the rest of my night on my meditation mat attempting to convince myself that Kirk could see to his own needs.

But later I came to believe that I should have pursued him that night.

For when I entered the bridge the next morning, I found the captain in his chair looking rather worn and holding his head as if it ached.

In response to my automatic thoughts concerning his safety while on the planet, Jamie shook his head. 'I'm fine,' he whispered as I passed by him on the way to my station. 'I just had a rough night.'

I wanted to ask about the details of the event that caused his distress, but out of respect for his privacy, I immediately focused on my tasks for the day.

I did not discover what had happened that night for four months, but within that time, the captain's behaviors began to change.

He still had frequent encounters with attractive beings. However, he would only stay with them for an hour or two and then come back to the ship. After each one, he invited me to his room for a game of chess.

It took some time for me to understand that Kirk turned to me those nights because his liasions were physically satisfying, but emotionally, they did not meet his needs.

I discovered this when I realized that his main topic of the conversations on those nights was our relationship.

'Did you know you were my first real friend?' he asked after a liasion with a Risan dancing girl. 'No, Sam doesn't count. He was my brother,' he said quietly, responding to my thoughts automatically. He frowned, as by this time, George Samuel Kirk had died from the invasion on Deneva.

'You were also mine,' I replied just as quietly, attempting to give him space if he still needed time to mourn his brother. But when he looked at me with interest in his eyes, I continued.

'Although he was an adequate sibling, Sybok did not make a good friend. He preferred fighting with the older boys to being with me.'

'He liked getting beat up?' Jamie tilted his head as he contemplated this.

I nodded. 'He considered the beatings a form of acceptance. This was unfortunate, for he was seeking a fight when the riots started. I attempted to stop him, but I was unsuccessful.'

Jamie nodded. 'That's why you were covered in blood when you found me at the disintegators.'

'Yes. Because of your interventions, I can now remember both the horror of my brother's death at the hand of the rioters and the terror I felt when I found you in line, going to your own death.

'I knew what was happening in that place. My teacher had explained to me what the disintegrators were for before he was taken away. From what he said, I can only conclude that he believed his lesson would commute my fears.'

'Vulcans.' Jamie swore softly. 'All he did was make it worse, I bet.'

I closed my eyes to try to circumvent the block, which was partially obstructing the memory. 'I believe so, although I am only vaguely cognizant of my emotions from that period.'

'That's to be expected. It was a lifetime ago.' Jamie smiled at me softly. 'I didn't realize what I was in line for until you dragged me away and told me. The guards shot Aunt Grace when she tried to get away, but I didn't see it happen. In all the confusion, I had actually thought they they didn't want her to have the present I thought I was getting.

'I won't tell you the rest. I know trying to remember will hurt you.' He waved his finger to remind me to not attempt to access the memory of our bonding. 'But I will say this: what I choose to remember of Tarsus is the fun we had together. You were so fascinating to me. I wanted you to always be my friend.'

'Do you still?' I raised my eyebrow.

Jamie chuckled. 'Yes Spock, you are definitely worth terrorizing Starfleet Command.' He patted my uniform-covered arm, right above my hand. We were both very aware of the pain that would result if he touched my skin.

This fact was now beginning to irritate me.

Jamie sighed, hearing my thought. 'We can't remove the block yet, my best.'

I looked up, puzzled by his words. At first, it sounded like he hadn't completed the phrase at the end of his sentence. And yet, something about it was familiar.

But before I could do more than repeat the phrase in my mind, a bolt of pain shot through me.

'Stop it, Spock. You're hitting the block.' The captain grabbed my arm. 'I'll tell you. Just try not to think of that awful day.'

I nodded as the pain began to recede.

'It's short for best friend.' Jamie said as he rubbed my arm through the sleeve of my uniform.

'Yes,' I agreed softly, his words bringing back a safe memory. The first day he had called me his 'best', we had gone to the park at the edge of town to play. My teacher and his aunt had gotten into a heated discussion while we were on the swings and didn't see when a group of older boys came over and told us that we were 'taking their spot'.

I was going to ask Sylvin for help, but Jamie decided that we should chase them away ourselves.

'How are we going to do that?' I whispered, eyeing the boys cautiously.

'Watch.' Jamie said with a smile. Then he approached them.

Hiding his intelligence behind the innocent expression seen on most children his age, Jamie proceeded to ask the boys if they wanted to practice an exercise with us.

'He's teaching me the secret Vulcan Death Grip.' He pointed to me as he continued his deception by rambling like many young humans tended to do. 'He can't teach you. He only teaches his best friends. He's my best. But we need to try it. Can we try it on you?'

That was all he had to do. The older boys only needed to see my pointed ears and serious face to begin to wonder if I was capable of such an action. After watching me stare at them, they decided I was and started moving backwards.

When the boys were far enough away, I whispered, 'There is no Vulcan Death Grip.'

Jamie smiled. 'I know that, but they don't. And you are my best.'

I nodded and couldn't help but let a smile escape, although I knew Sylvin would scold me if he saw it.

Looking at Jamie now, I inclined my head. 'You are also mine, Captain.'

He just raised his eyebrow, imitating my most well-known expression.

I knew what he wanted just from that look. By this time, I knew him well enough to decipher his subtle hints to me. 'Jamie,' I whispered. 'You are my friend, Jamie.'

My captain smiled, just as he had at the age of four. 'My best.' He squeezed my arm through my sleeve. 'Now, you should rest before I bring up another memory that gets too close to the block.'

I nodded, feeling the fatigue that remembering our time on Tarsus always produced. 'Goodnight...Jamie.'

'Goodnight, my best.' He smiled as I stood and left his cabin through the bathroom.

We had conversations on similar subjects every night after he went with another to satisfy his sexual desires. However, not only did his sexual encounters become shorter, they became more infrequent as time went on.

They decreased so much that by the time our relationship changed, he hadn't had an encounter in 3 weeks and 5 days, the longest span I had ever seen him without a sexual partner.

It was beneficial to us both that this was so. The situation was quite difficult as it was.

If I had become jealous during the change, I would have become uncontrollably violent. It is always so during pon farr.

-----------

end part 10


	6. Chapter 6

-----------

On the day my pon farr started, the Enterprise was enroute to the Shore Leave planet. We had just finished a difficult mission involving negotiations with the Klingons for mining rights to a small planet in the Barus system.

Because the Klingon commander was not very cooperative, the mission caused considerable stress for everyone. This may explain why I did not notice when I began to act overly irritable and displeased with situations which would have satisfied me earlier. The small instances I did notice, I excused as due to not having enough time to meditate properly.

But when I snapped at Jamie the next morning for being two minutes late for breakfast, I suddenly realized that something within me was different.

Initially, the captain laughed off my anger. 'Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?'

When I did not respond with the expected comment about the logic of that question, Jamie paused and examined my face closely. 'Are you okay?' he whispered, seeing the distress in my mind.

'I am not sure,' I said just as softly. 'I find myself rather irritated by small transgressions and normal occurances.'

'You just need rest, Spock. We all do.' He patted my arm reassuringly.

'I do not believe it is simply fatigue, Jamie.' I replied. By this time, the crew had become comfortable with the nickname and did not stare at me when I said it. At first, my familiarity with the captain was so shocking that a few people attempted to correct me and tell me to call him 'Jim'. Jamie quickly ended their interference with a few angry expressions.

'Then what is it?' He looked me over with concern in his eyes.

'I do not know.' These symptoms were unfamiliar to me. They did not correlate with any Vulcan illness that I knew of.

'See Bones before you come on shift. He'll help you figure it out.' Jamie patted my arm, as was his tendency when he wished to convey an emotional connection with me. 'If it's serious, maybe you should take a day or two off.'

So after breakfast, I went to sickbay, as my captain requested. He must have called McCoy on the way to the bridge, because the doctor was waiting for me when I arrived.

'Let's have a look at you.'

I watched curiously as the doctor ran his scanner over me. After a few moments, he scratched his head as he pondered the results. 'You do have a few elevated hormones. But it's nothing serious.'

It took me mere seconds to deduce what was wrong with me once he said those words. I could not help but be irritated by his calm attitude, as those chemical excesses were the prelude to the most difficult part of a Vulcan's life.

I could feel my hands begin to shake. Was I feeling fear? Apprehension? Either was appropriate in this situation.

It was interesting to find myself in the same type of situation most Vulcans handle daily. But I knew if I indulged my curiousity concerning the emotions I felt, I might lose control. Therefore, I quickly called upon Surak's teachings. The tension in me dissipated as quickly as it had come. But given the circumstances, it was best to isolate myself before the emotions came back.

'I need to request medical leave.' I said softly.

'Medical leave? For some elevated hormones? Why?' McCoy looked at me incredulously.

'It is a private matter,' I replied tersely, knowing I needed to explain myself. But I did not want to embarrass my father by discussing Vulcan mating practices with the doctor.

'That's not good enough, Commander. I actually need a reason to be able to give you leave.' He folded his arms and looked me over. 'Are you sure it's medical leave that you need? If it's a private matter, maybe you should be talking to the captain.'

I--I cannot.' I had an illogical 'hunch' that if Jamie was informed of my condition, he would be harmed. The captain often told me to 'follow my gut'. I would do so now, for I had no wish to injure my best friend.

That was a real possibility. Because not only was I in pon farr, I also *needed*. I could feel the hunger grow in me extremely rapidly. But I knew Kalia could not satisfy me this time. Neither could my captain help me. If I lost control in his presence, disaster could result.

Sarek was the only one who could aid me. I needed to contact him before I began hurting the crew. So without another word to McCoy, I left sickbay and headed back to my quarters.

Once there, I transmitted an emergency signal to Vulcan. My father had provided me with a Federation security code for just this event.

When my Sarek's face appeared on my comm screen, I said simply, 'It is time.'

'I have not been able to find you a suitable mate,' Father sighed. 'All of the available women would be too weak to survive if you were to feed on them.'

'Are there any other options?' I asked, unable to suppress a sigh.

'I will consult the elders. Perhaps.'

I nodded, but internally, I was preparing for my own death. Sarek had not been able to find me a suitable Vulcan. I could not mate with anyone aboard the ship, as I promised Jamie I would not harm the crew. My only chance of surviving pon farr was the infintesimal possibility that Father would find a suitable and willing person in time.

As I came to this conclusion, I heard an exasperated sigh behind me. 'You have to stop doing this to me, Spock. One day I'm not going to notice you're upset until it's too late. And then where will we be?'

I didn't have time to turn around before Jamie put his hand on my shoulder and faced my father. 'Why do I always have to fight you to be part of Spock's life, Ambassador? What do you have against me?'

Sarek closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 'I was not sure of your commitment to my son.'

Jamie stared at my father. 'Haven't you been paying attention for the last six months?!'

'You have helped a friend. I did not see any signs of your attachment being deeper than that.' Father inclined his head. 'I was in error about your influence on Spock. He has grown significantly since you have been with him. But your insistence on being his mate may cause both of you difficulties.'

Jamie crossed his arms as if to ward off Sarek. 'You're determined to keep me out of his life.'

'Spock still does not emote enough for a Human to be comfortable in a relationship with him,' Father said softly.

At this point, I wanted to protest, as my father was unaware of how well my relationship with the captain had progressed. But I was stopped by the hand squeezing my shoulder. Jamie had established this signal earlier to let me know when it was best that he handle the situation because I would have difficulty responding correctly.

However, when I turned to look at his face, I was concerned that the captain would become too emotional. For I saw anger was distorting his asthetically pleasing features.

'After twenty five years, you still don't get it,' Jamie growled softly. 'No matter what you think, he is my *bondmate*. Only he can refuse me.'

'He is not your bondmate. The bond is incomplete,' Father replied, refuting the captain's claim.

Jamie growled again, and this time, his grip on my shoulder tightened to the point of causing pain. 'The bond is fighting to repair itself! Only your block is keeping us from being completely joined.'

'I do not...' Sarek protested once again.

'You don't have a choice, Ambassador. He's the one who has to decide.' Jamie glared at my father, halting his words. 'I was able to do more in six months what you could in twenty five years. Doesn't that say something about my connection to him?'

He waved a finger at my father. 'Don't even try to go around me to get to Spock. I know for a fact your wife doesn't know what's going on. All we would have to do is stop over for a visit...'

Sarek attempted to argue yet again, but when the captain waved his finger a second time, he bowed his head in defeat. 'I will not interfere. But I would have Spock state his choice now so that I may inform T'Pau.'

'Spock?' Jamie's voice prodded me softly as he knelt at my side. He waited expectantly, but I did not know what I was supposed to do.

'You need to choose.' Jamie explained in a whisper. 'Sarek can continue to search for an appropriate mate for you...or you can have the mate you chose long ago.'

'I have found an emotional connection to you, which would make you a suitable mate. However, I do not know if you would survive my hunger. Nor would sexual relations be possible, since we cannot touch,' I countered logically.

Jamie glared at my father once again. 'But that can be fixed. Right, Ambassador?'

Sarek sighed and nodded. 'Kalia can remove the block. She has already been alerted and can rendevous with your ship within twelve hours.'

'Soon enough to save Spock from complications.' The captain nodded approvingly. He then held my arm above the wrist. 'But you are in control of your life. What do you want? I promise you I won't think less of you, no matter what you decide.'

I stared at my friend for a moment and pondered my choices. The consequences of my actions would be far-reaching. They would affect both of our futures.

Did I want to commit myself to this man? Even if he survived my hunger, his past suggested that he might become bored or disgusted with me, as he had with some of his previous sexual partners.

'I wouldn't do that to you, my best,' Jamie said softly as he read my thoughts. 'Look at how long I've chased you. And I've worked to help you...'

'But at times, having is not a good a thing as wanting,' I replied, my voice strained as I struggled with my decision. I found myself experiencing an unfamiliar emotion. But at that moment, I was unable to analyze the situation adequately enough to identify it. So I attempted to calm myself as I said, 'If I have not adjusted enough for your liking...'

Jamie shook his head vehemently. 'Don't even think that. I would have taken you just the way you were when I boarded this ship.' Gently, he ran his hand up my arm. 'I helped you reconnect with the universe because you looked so alone...and I wanted you to have something even if the bond between us didn't work out.'

'Why?' I asked, puzzled as to why he would do such a thing. He would get no benefit out of his efforts.

'Because I love you, my best. I've loved you since we were four.' Jamie bowed his head as if admitting something difficult.

'But I cannot love you,' I reminded him, although given the changes in me, I was unsure if it was the truth.

'Can't you?' Jamie raised his eyebrow. 'I wouldn't be sitting here if I hadn't seen signs of affection.'

'I have not noticed a need to be with you.' But even as I said that, I knew I did not need because he was already with me for most of each day.

'No? What about your jealousy? It was so powerful that I stopped seeing other people. Even though you weren't ready for me, I could feel how upset you were getting when I went with other people.'

'You did this for me?' I blinked in amazement.

'Of course.' Jamie smiled gently. 'Your emotions were so strong when I went with Petra that...'

'That what?' His words piqued my curiousity. I was the reason for his dissatisfaction that night?

The captain shook his head. 'I'll tell you after you make your decision. I know I'm not giving you much time to make your choice, but I promise you I will do my best for you if you choose me.'

It did not take me long decide. Jamie was a logical mate. He understood me better than almost everyone else. He could read my emotions better than I could.

But I still had one concern. It was eating at me as I sat there. I had to hold myself back from trying to grab my best friend and devour his emotions. Only the pain I knew it would produce kept me from taking him right then and there.

'Can you handle my need?' I asked softly.

Jamie nodded. 'I'll be fine.'

There was no doubt in his eyes, but I was still concerned.

Jamie sighed. 'If that's all you're worried about, I'll ask Kalia to stay while we figure out what I should do when it's directed at me.'

'Then I wish to be with you.' I bowed my head solemnly.

Jamie laid a hand on my side, over my heart. 'Then I will always be here, my best.'

He then turned to Sarek. 'Comm Kalia and make sure she's on her way. I don't want Spock waiting any longer than necessary.'

Father nodded. Before he signed off, he bowed to Jamie and whispered, 'Thank you.'

My best friend shook his head. 'It's ironic that you kept me away all these years, but now I may be exactly what he wants and needs.'

After Sarek closed the connection, Jamie ran his hand over my shoulder. 'I'm taking you off duty, so get some rest until Kalia gets here. After the block is gone and your hungers are calmed, I'll make sure you get all the answers you want.'

I inclined my head in acquiescence. 'Thank you, t'hy'la.' I knew his place in my life now. He had been my brother since the age of four, my friend since he joined the ship, and within a day, he would become my lover.

'I'll do anything for you, my best,' Jamie declared with a small smile as he left me to my meditation.

I was expecting it to be a long half-day for me, as I was plagued by two hungers that both needed to be satisfied urgently.

But I found that my meditation was aided by the memories that my captain had provided me and the emotions he had helped me uncover.

For that short time, I was able to fight my hungers by remembering my joys.

But even though this was most pleasurable, part of me was unnerved by the knowledge that most of those joys centered around the man who would be risking his life to satisfy me in a few hours.

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end part 11

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Kalia arrived promptly twelve hours later.

I heard the knock on the bathroom door within a few minutes of the captain being called to the transporter room. However, since I did not trust myself to control my hungers any longer, I did not halt my meditation to let my guests in. I knew Jamie could hear my thoughts and would understand my lack of manners.

So within a minute of the knock, Jamie overrode the lock I put on the bathroom door and entered my cabin cautiously. 'My best?' he called softly into the dark room.

I had turned off the lights to calm myself. My agitation was now almost constant. If Kalia had not arrived promptly, I would have had to restrain myself in order to keep the crew safe.

After twenty five years of being emotionless, my agitation agitated me, and that made me dangerous.

But now my salvation was near. Guided by my meditation candle, Jamie came to my side.

'Are you ready, Spock?' he asked softly as he sat next to me. 'Kalia wants to do this before you go into the plak tow.'

I looked up into his strained face and read the emotion there. 'You are worried.'

'It won't be easy,' the captain sighed. 'We're both going to be in agony. The bond will try to fix itself when it senses that the block has moved even the slightest bit. So it'll tear a few times before the block is removed. Kalia said that there's nothing she can do to stop that.'

'Perhaps I should have rejected you to keep you safe,' I suggested. But even as I said the words, I knew Jamie had changed me too much for that to be a viable option. I would be discontent without him and I no longer had the choice to return to my emotionless existence. My emotions were a part of me now.

Jamie glared at me. I understood this to mean that he did not agree with my statement. In fact, his deep frown indicated that he wanted me to vanquish that thought as soon as possible.

Kalia's face appeared in the candlelight, showing an expression of astonishment as she watched us arguing. 'You have worked miracles, Captain.'

Jamie seemed disgruntled by the interruption, but after a moment, he sighed and nodded. 'The bond made it easy. All I had to do was watch his thoughts and try to provoke the sparks of emotions I saw.'

'Whatever you did, the results are amazing. He's showing signs of compassion and emotional understanding.' Kalia settled in front of us. 'Let's get rid of the block before he loses control. If he can hear you in his head when he goes through the plak tow, the next few days will be safer for you both.'

After we assented, Kalia touched my face to better read the state of my mind. 'Captain, I need you to pull back from the bond as much as you can. I want to shield you from as much pain as I can. He'll need you to guide him when the block is gone.'

The bond must have grown very strong by that point, because although I normally did not feel his presence, I could feel him leave my mind now. It caused such an emptiness within me that I had to restrain myself before I pulled him back into me.

Kalia, sensing my difficulty, let me adjust to Jamie's absence before continuing. 'This will hurt, but I need you to stay still, both here and on the mental plane. Struggling will just make it worse.'

Once I agreed to stay immobile, she closed her eyes and prepared to find the block that kept me from knowing my best friend fully.

She started by accessing my memories of Tarsus IV. I saw our playtimes move quickly past my conscious awareness, as well as my lessons with Sylvin and my fights with Sybok. The memories blurred together until she found the day that changed everything.

Then, as she accessed that day, the memories moved more slowly and I experienced them more fully.

The pain began almost immediately.

My remembrances started with the knock on our door and the letter stating that Sylvin was to report to the disintegrators. I relived my horror as my teacher described the process to me with kind eyes. However, through my adult perceptions, I now understood that he truly believed his lesson would make his passing easier for me.

But even as an adult, the blood pooling around Sybok's body shocked and dismayed me. Oh, my brother. If you hadn't tried so hard to live up to others' expectations, perhaps you would be alive today.

When my memory turned to the moment I entered the hall of disintegrators, I could feel myself panic. Seeing Jamie standing in that line, not understanding why his Aunt Grace was suddenly gone, caused terror to well within me with all its original potency. I screamed, not able to control the flood of anguish.

'Shh, I'm right here.' Jamie brought me back to the present for a moment. I could feel him on the edge of my mind, reminding me that this was just a memory and that we were both safe.

Kalia encouraged more of Jamie's support as she moved closer to our time of bonding. The tension in my head increased at each step, so I attempted to lean into my bondmate. I knew he would help me fight the pain.

I felt him shift to get closer to me, but the sensations were vague. The memories trapped me, commandeering my perceptions and emotions.

I saw myself drag my best friend out of the line and run with him to the shed. Jamie cried and screamed as I held him on that cold floor and told him what happened to his Aunt Grace. I didn't want to cause him pain, but I was in so much anguish that I was unable to stop myself.

My current discomfort increased as I watched my younger self put a hand to Jamie's meld points in an instinctive attempt to calm him. Then I screamed as the memories were disrupted by the warning shocks from the block.

'Stay with me, Spock!' Jamie yelled as he wrapped his arms around me. Through the pain, I could feel Kalia grab the barrier and begin to pull. I heard Jamie scream as the block began attacking him, but I could do nothing to help him. Kalia's manipulations were so painful that I was certain I would die before the block was removed.

The pressure inside my head increased exponentially as Kalia tugged with as much force as she could. Jamie held my head against his chest as I screamed louder, unable to call upon my training to calm myself. Somehow, I knew he was gritting his teeth to keep his own screams from issuing forth once again. He did not want to distract Kalia or myself from the task of freeing the memories.

This went on for many minutes until finally Kalia was able to break the block and pull it away from me.

Immediately afterward, Jamie's presence rushed at me, and with it, the flood of previously trapped memories. In the center of them was my first time entering Jamie's mind.

Even at the age of four, it had felt like coming home after a long journey. He welcomed me as if I belonged there.

Jamie instantly stopped crying when the bond fastened itself to his mind. He clutched at me as I wrapped my mind around his like a warm blanket.

There we stayed until we were discovered. Although the shed was cold, we were warm inside our own minds as we comforted each other and played in a space we created within the connection.

When help finally found us, many hours later, it was a jolt to both of us. We did not want to leave the bond. But when I finally looked up into the too-bright sunlight, I saw that Sarek had come with a Starfleet officer. As I remembered, Jamie supplied an identity for that man: his father, George Kirk.

He also told me that they had nearly stolen the Kelvin, Lieutenant Kirk's ship, in order to get to us. But at the last minute, Starfleet Command had allowed them to change the course they had been on and head to the Tarsus system.

Our fathers had found us by searching for my life signs. There had been three Vulcanoid beings on Tarsus IV when we started our field trip. But by the time they arrived on the planet, there was only one.

I vaguely heard them ripping the door off the shed to get to us, as I had had enough presence of mind to lock it when we hid.

They found us in the corner with our arms wrapped around each other, shivering with cold and hunger.

Sarek immediately pulled me away from my new soulmate, and by doing so, caused us both to go into shock.

The last thing I remembered before my four year old self fainted was screaming Jamie's name.

My best friend wouldn't let me faint this time. 'Hold on, my best. It's almost over,' he whispered in my ear. 'Kalia's making sure the bond is fusing itself correctly.'

'Jamie,' I murmured wonderingly through my pain. 'I can feel you.'

He laughed softly. 'As you should, now that there's nothing between us. Just try not to use the bond too much until it finishes repairing itself. I don't want you to accidentally tear it.'

I nodded, then for the first time since we were children, I read his thoughts. 'You remember how our bonding felt?' Amazement suffused through me as the bond sent me his memories.

'You made me feel so warm and safe. How could I forget?' Jamie sighed happily. 'But we were only four. The bond can do so much more now.'

'Will it help me to love you?' I asked, desperate to give him something in return for all that he had given me.

'Spock, my best, you already do,' Jamie said with conviction as his hands caressed my arms and shoulders softly. As he did, I noticed that he still avoided touching my skin. Annoyed at this, I questioned why.

'Let the bond heal first.' He smiled. 'I promise that will be the first thing I do when it's done.'

So I rested against my best friend's chest as I waited for the bond to finish repairing itself.

Only when I began to shift restlessly, my needs driving me to impatience, did Jamie pull away from me. 'Let's move to the bed. You need some sleep. I can feel your body getting ready for the plak tow. Your other need is growing stronger too. We should rest while we can.'

I looked to Kalia, who nodded her approval. 'Put a blanket between you. The bond is not ready to accept physical contact yet. In a few hours, you should no longer need it.'

Jamie moved me slowly and gently, sensing the weakness in me that I only noticed when we stood.

'You just relived the most emotional day of your entire life, Spock. What did you expect?' he commented as he guided me onto the bed.

I watched in a daze as he wrapped me in a blanket to warm me and to make sure he did not touch my skin. Then he turned me onto my side and molded his cool body to mine.

Curious. I was calmed by his presence rather quickly, even though the blanket dulled his touch.

'Analyze it later, my best,' Jamie chuckled softly as he heard my thoughts. 'I'll make sure you have time to gather data on the bond when all of this is over. Now go to sleep.'

'Yes, Teacher,' I said automatically, still partially immersed in the memories we had uncovered. When I realized my mistake, I was chagrined, but my captain calmed me with a whisper.

'That's the second best thing you've called me, Spock,' Jamie informed me. 'I hope you'll let me continue to teach you.'

'It is only logical, as I still have much to learn,' I replied softly before succumbing to sleep.

But even as I let my body claim the rest it needed, I knew that his lessons could only continue if he survived the wrath of my hungers.

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end part 12


	7. Chapter 7

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Note: To all of you who have been reading along with my writing, I've done a major edit, and I reorganized the chapters properly. So you might want to review ;)

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By the time I awoke, we had reached the Shore Leave planet and the crew was dispersing for some much-needed rest.

The captain, however, was planning on forgoing the pleasures the world below afforded. As I regained consciousness, I could hear his thoughts concerning his days of leave. He knew would get little rest if he remained with me. However, his loyalty would not allow that to dissuade him from choosing to care for me.

'You can stay in my room so that you're nearby in case of emergency,' Jamie told Kalia as I became aware of my surroundings. 'I'll give you the lock code for both bathroom doors. Please make sure you're discreet when you monitor us. Spock could hurt you if he perceives you as a threat.'

'Of course, Captain. Neither of you will be able 'see' me unless you are in jeopardy. But I will be no more than a thought away if you need me.' Kalia's voice was confident and calm.

At this point, my captain noticed I was awake. Keeping to his promise from earlier, he immediately came to my side and touched me.

He gently encased my hand in cool, soft skin, which sent a wave of pleasure through me. I shivered, but did not open my eyes, as I wanted to concentrate on the feelings flowing into me from the bond.

Curiously, Jamie's touch left me both satisfied and wanting more. Thoughts of sexual congress took over my mind with an ease that surprised me. My captain, however, only smiled through the bond before turning his attention back to our counselor.

As I listened to my bondmate finalize the contigency plans with Kalia, I wondered if I would feel the intense pleasure during sex that so many beings obsessed about. Emotions were so new to me that I was not positive my mind could interpret those derived from physical sensations accurately. And yet, the touch of his hand had been so enjoyable...

Amused by my ponderings, Jamie leaned over me and kissed the tip of my ear gently before whispering, 'You haven't seen anything yet, my best.'

That small contact brought forth the hungers within me. I could feel the need to mate and the need to take both pulling at my mind.

But my needs were mere white noise under the strength of Jamie's presence, which was once again focused on me.

That presence bade me to open my eyes.

Obeying his command, I found bright hazel eyes gazing at me.

'How do you feel?'

I blinked, not sure how to answer the question appropriately. I did not want to disappoint him at this juncture. There was much at stake for us both.

Jamie shook his head with a sigh. 'It's just us, my best. There is no 'appropriate' response between us, other than the truth.'

His words made me pause. I was surprised that he did not want me to manufacture a response for him. His attitude went against everything my father had taught me.

Jamie sent a wave of exasperation through the bond and reminded me that things had changed.

At his bidding, I reviewed the last six months and realized that I had not mimicked any response for him since I discovered his identity. He had always asked me for the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it might make him. This fact made his request much more logical. 'I feel sexual hunger...and need. But most of all, I feel a desire to connect to you.'

'Then I will make sure we take care of all of those.' My mate smiled softly. 'Just as soon as I satisfy Bones.'

I raised my eyebrow as his words produced in me an inclination to point out his illogic. 'When did McCoy become more important than myself?'

Jamie chuckled, understanding my attempt at humor. 'If you don't want him bursting in here at a rather inopportune time, he must come first.' He ran a medical tricorder over me, then put its memory chip in my computer. 'Okay, I'm finished. If Bones doesn't like the results, he can complain tomorrow.'

After making sure the data was sent to sickbay, my best friend sat next to me on the bed. 'Now, let's see what we can do for you.'

With no other warning, Jamie wrapped an arm around me and kissed me in the way of humans.

It was a most curious sensation, this touching of lips. The action affected me in odd ways.

First, I noticed that our connection opened completely. I could feel Jamie's every thought (his most prominent being a desire to make me feel pleasure) and every feeling (he received copious amounts of gratification by being this close to me).

Then I noticed my own reactions. Physically, I felt heated, even though I was pressed against his cool body. But even in my warm state, I began to shiver as the touch of his hand on my cheek and neck sent me into tiny convulsions.

Emotionally, I began to worry. Would I lose consciousness? My thoughts were becoming dull as I began focusing on the sensations, both strange and pleasurable. I couldn't do anything under the onslaught. Perhaps I was incapable of responding correctly.

'Shh, you're doing fine,' Jamie said into the bond. 'That's the way it's supposed to feel.'

He guided me within his mind until I could see how overwhelming the kiss was for him. He felt light-headed and quite aroused, just as I did.

So I allowed the kiss to continue into another, and yet another. This soon brought forth my hungers, aching to be fed by this being who declared himself mine.

His essence called to me and my mind reached to engulf it. My hands tore at his uniform tunic. I was hungrier than I had ever been in my life.

I wanted to absorb him totally. I needed to take him into me.

I would drain him until there was nothing left.

'No!' I yelled, pulling away from our kiss and falling off the bed in my haste. I could not, I would not do this. Taking what I needed from him could mean his death.

His death would destroy me.

'Find me someone else,' I pleaded softly as I looked up into Jamie's shocked face, expressing an emotion I had not felt since I was four.

Terror.

'Spock, what's wrong?' Jamie reached for me, but I would not let him take my hand.

'If I do this, you will die,' I said as calmly as I could, but my controls were gone. My voice shook and I began to hyperventilate.

Trying to calm my distress, Jamie sat on the floor and sent soothing waves through the bond.

'Take a deep breath, Spock. You're starting to choke,' my captain said softly, bringing my focus to the logical and helping me achieve the distance from my emotions that allowed them to calm.

After a few minutes of stillness, I sat up.

'Now, can you listen to me?' Jamie asked quietly.

When I nodded, he said, 'I wouldn't do this unprepared, my best. Even if I didn't happen to like my life the way it is, I would never put you in that position.' He took off his ripped shirt and leaned back on his arms so he could watch my expression. 'Kalia's been teaching me how to take care of your need.'

'And what of my pon farr?'

'I've handled rough sex in my time. And just to make sure I was prepared, I asked your mother how rough it gets.' He blushed at this. 'She also gave me some advice on how to have a good sex life with a Vulcan.'

I quirked my eyebrow curiously.

'No. I'm not telling you everything she said. Maybe in thirty years, after I get over the embarrassment. Your mother can be rather blunt.' Jamie laughed, but it was not as much from mirth as from...discomfort.

I attempted to ease his distress with logic. 'I trust you will find the information useful. Mother does not concern herself with trivialities.'

'How can she?' Jamie gave me a sincere grin this time. 'She has had two very stubborn Vulcans to care for. Yes, her advice was quite practical. In fact, her first point applies right now. She told me to 'never let him run away, no matter how logical his excuse.''

I stared at him, wondering at the appropriateness of my mother's words.

'She knew you'd be scared.' Jamie reached for my hands and this time I let him fold them within his own.

I took a moment to process his words, then asked, 'Are you truly prepared for this?'

'One hundred percent. And we're not alone.' He pointed to the bathroom door. 'Kalia will get me out if you're more than I can handle.'

'Please utilize her if the need arises.' I requested as I started to accede to his wishes by slowly loosening the tight reign over my needs. 'I would rather you lived than I.'

'It's both or neither of us, Spock,' Jamie insisted. 'Kalia will do what's necessary if this doesn't work. Her plan is mate with you if I can't. Afterward, we can consult a healer.'

I nodded, acknowledging the logic of this course. Then I trembled as my body suddenly released a rush of hormones.

'Come on, my best. Back into bed.' Jamie stood, and pulled me up by our linked hands. 'Let's get undressed before you decide to destroy your clothes as well as mine.'

I let him remove my meditation robe, then simply watched him as he disposed of his trousers and boots.

The sight of his toned body caused my arousal to grow. Curiously, the strength of my arousal was mirrored by the intensity of his smile.

'We'll be fine,' Jamie whispered reassuringly as he pulled me into the bed with him. As if he feared my escape, he instantly locked his arms around me and shifted my weight until it was evenly distributed along his body.

Once he could embrace me fully, he kissed me again. This time, I felt my thoughts dim quickly and my arousal grow so rapidly that I growled like a sehlat when he pulled away to catch his breath.

'That's it,' Jamie moaned softly. Although the focus of my awareness was the pounding of my own heart, I still felt satisfaction at the sounds and the scent of his arousal. In his need, he gripped me painfully, but rather than being irritated, I was further aroused by his loss of control.

Reaching for him through the bond, I was met by the full force of my mate's being. I could feel his insistence that we touch minds, that I take him into me.

So I did. I let the hunger in me loose. I let my mind surround his, much as it did when we were children. But this time, instead of giving comfort, I took his essence into me.

His fear, worry, and hope were easily absorbed. But when I encountered his desire and love, my hunger increased tenfold. My need forced me to drink in as much of these emotions as I could.

I heard Jamie moan and felt his body rubbing against me. 'More...' he gasped when I gathered what little control I had and paused to evaluate his condition. Not understanding my concern, he protested. 'Don't leave me like this!' He wrapped himself around me in an effort to entice me back into his mind.

'I need to evaluate your safety...' I protested weakly.

'This is the safest place I could ever be. Let me feel you!' Jamie's mind reached out to mine, pulling me into him once again, and flooding me with emotions.

I moaned and shook, overwhelmed by the gift he was giving me. I absorbed all of his feelings, and yet when I prepared to stop, I found more. It was an endless bounty. With my control completely gone, I gorged myself on him.

My body sought to assuage its need at the same time. Dimly, I felt myself thrusting down into my mate, stimulating us both physically. As this combined with the pleasure of drinking in Jamie's essence, I quickly found myself tensing in a way that had nothing to do with anger or worry.

My mate encouraged me to keep taking until suddenly, an overwhelmingly strong burst of pleasure came at me and he trembled in my arms.

That burst sent off a chain reaction in me. I drank it in and it suffused through me, causing the tension in me to build until my mind exploded from it. I heard myself yell out as if in pain, but inside me, the pleasure was so strong that I never wanted it to end.

It took some minutes until the agonizing joy subsided enough to allow me to focus. But when reason returned, my first thought was for my mate. Did he survive the explosion of my mind?

When I opened my eyes and met Jamie's bright gaze, he laughed softly. '*That* was supposed to hurt?'

I blinked as I realized he was completely unharmed except for some fatigue. 'I have only been able to take from Kalia without hurting her.'

'Probably because she gave, just as I did,' Jamie murmured as he caressed my cheek. 'The others resisted. But there was nothing that you took that I didn't want to give you.'

'You are well?' I asked to assure myself that what I saw before me was not an illusion.

'Mmhmm. Haven't felt better.' Jamie kissed me softly. 'But we should get some rest. Your hormones will be demanding more of that in a little while.'

'But I do not understand how this is possible.'

'I know, my best. Sleep with me and I'll explain it the next time we rest. I've known your need couldn't hurt me since that day I went off with Petra.'

I raised my eyebrow, but Jamie shook his head with a grin. 'Sleep first. I don't want to have to admit to Bones that I was bested in bed by my novice bondmate.'

Amused, I closed my eyes and settled in Jamie's arms. In his embrace, I realized I once again had the gift that I had discovered as a child.

I had come home.

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end part 13

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My mate's arms were still around me when I awoke in the morning. His relaxed state of mind kept me in bed and comfortably against him even though we were scheduled for bridge duty during delta shift.

I was not distressed by my lack of initiative, however. For I could feel that Jamie wanted us to spend some time together before the necessary distraction of ship's business separated us.

'What do you need?' he asked softly as I shifted to face him. He watched me carefully but calmly. His eyes enticed me closer. His want of me vibrated within the bond.

'All of you.' I growled softly, responding to his arousal with my own. My arms wrapped around him without conscious thought.

Jamie smiled, pleased by my reaction. 'Take what you want. All that I am belongs to you.'

With his agreement, I rolled my mate onto his back and kissed him fiercely in order to indulge my physical need. My mind, demanding satisfaction as well, slid into his. Jamie's essence greeted me eagerly, letting go of whatever emotions I reached for.

I drank of him without hesitation and filled myself. I only stopped when strong waves of physical arousal flowed over the bond. My mating cycle demanded its due now that my mental need was calmed.

'Mmmm.' Jamie opened his eyes as I pulled back from our kiss. His smile was relaxed and content. 'It feels so good when you do that. I imagine that you're pulling me into yourself and holding me safe.'

I narrowed my eyes as his metaphor reminded me of another time and another place. 'As I did when we were in the shed.'

He nodded without the usual distress we had when we thought of that day. The signals from him led me to the conclusion that although those events would disturb us for the rest of our lives, we could also be content with their result, the bond between us.

'Your actions saved me, my best,' Jamie whispered into my hair. 'How can I not be content with that?'

He shifted me onto my back. 'Now let me take you and keep you safe within me.' I was surprised when he grabbed a bottle from the table beside the bed and coated my sexual organ with the slick liquid it contained.

We had not achieved sexual congress the night before, as my mental need had driven me fiercely. So when I looked into his eyes, unsure of what to do, my mate leaned down for a kiss. 'Let me guide you,' he requested softly.

'I do not understand this hunger,' I replied with a growl in my voice. My need compelled me to clutch at Jamie, but he was not bothered by the strength of my grip. In fact, he seemed pleased.

To convince me of this, he straddled my legs.

'I know what to do, my love.' His hands burned a trail of fire as they ran down my chest. 'Relax. Feed off me if you want to. But let me make you feel good.'

With another kiss, he straightened, then slid my penis within himself. He was correct in his choice of metaphors. I not only felt intense pleasure, but I also felt safe, as if he had wrapped me in himself.

I instinctively drank in Jamie's contentment, making him gasp.

His joy increased mine to the point where I was unaware of anything but him. His thoughts and feelings all converged upon me. I drank from him as he satisfied our physical needs. The bond hummed as we created feedback loops of pleasure within us.

This went on for hours, as my mating cycle demanded. Although I was initially concerned for his stamina, Jamie proved more than sufficient for my needs. Only when my body was exhausted did he eat an energy bar from my cabinet, then curl around me to rest.

But we did not sleep. Our minds were full of thoughts of each other and our experiences together.

I found his thoughts confusing, however. They were difficult to interpret, as I did not have his frame of reference. So, as he held me, he explained his reactions to me over the last few months.

'When I joined the ship, I was pretty sure that I could help you. The bond had tried to reconnect so many times before that I was convinced you wanted to be with me. But you felt so cold when I met you that...Well, I had to spend a few minutes telling myself that being with you was worth it even if you never felt anything for me.

'I knew I had to tread lightly. There was a fragility to you that I didn't expect. You were in so much pain, but were utterly unaware of it. It made me want to curse Sarek like I did when I found out about the infection.

'And when you broke down, I was terrified. You were so disconnected that I thought I might have come too late. But you made progress from the very beginning. It was slow at first, but I did my best to be patient. I told myself that if you were able to relate to me at all, it was enough.

'But I wanted more. I wanted you to be with me like you were in my dreams. To be honest, though, I didn't think it was possible...until I went off with Petra.' He caressed my arm as he paused thoughtfully.

'I caused you distress when you were with her,' I suggested as I reviewed the hints he had given me previously.

Jamie shook his head. 'I wasn't distressed. You were.'

I remembered my thoughts during that event, along with the emotions I had felt but could not interpret. 'I did not like that you were with another.'

Jamie squeezed my hand gently. 'I could feel your pain. It was so strong that I had to leave Petra even before we got started.'

I had interrupted the satisfaction of his need. As I realized the discomfort I had caused him, an unfamiliar emotion, guilt, made my cheeks turn green.

But he shook his head before I could apologize for my transgression. 'Don't blame yourself. I may not have gotten any sex that night, but you gave me something better.

'I caught a glimpse of the real you, the part of your being that connected to mine. I saw my mate for the first time, and you were beautiful.

'And you were as jealous as hell. You pulled at me and tried to draw my emotions into you. I could tell you couldn't stand feeling me focused on someone else. Your attempt to distract me was so successful that I had no choice but to leave Petra. All I could think of was you.

'Your jealousy convinced me that we could be lovers. So I decided then that I would give up my liaisons for you. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Sex was an integral part of my life, and I had gotten used to indulging myself pretty regularly. But I could see that you didn't have a clue about that side of yourself.

'So I gave them up slowly. At first because I didn't want to create more conflict in you. You already had so much to deal with, and I tend to get irritable when I'm without sex. Quitting all at once wouldn't have been good for either of us.

'To make sure you didn't get too jealous, I'd satisfy my physical needs quickly, then I'd come to you. I chose sexual partners I wouldn't get attached to so that I needed you afterwards, to get my emotional fix, if you will.' He chuckled. 'You took the bait without knowing. From the first day I did that, I could feel part of you reaching for me, trying to give me what they couldn't. And you just blossomed before my eyes. You had to get in touch with your own emotions to help me with mine.'

Jamie kissed the tip of my ear as his joy flowed along the bond. 'I couldn't bear being away from you after that. Hell, I could barely sleep when we parted those nights. Our conversations made me think of all the things I wanted to do with you. But I knew I couldn't rush you, so I did my best to keep my ideas to myself until you were ready. And I ruthlessly suppressed my baser nature around you. I could feel the bond sending you signals about my condition, even though you couldn't read my thoughts. I didn't want my desires confusing you while you were learning about yourself.

'As time went on, though, my thoughts became more sexual, even though my control was as strong as ever. I figured you were starting to return my feelings and the bond was sending them to me. So I cut down my liasions even further. But I knew I had to wait to tell you how I felt. Pushing you into a sexual relationship before you were interested could have done you harm. So I watched for a sign that you were ready. Kalia believed your pon farr was that sign. When she said so, I jumped at the chance to be with you.'

He nuzzled my neck. The affection I felt from him compelled me to wrap my arms around him as I explained, 'I did not understand sexuality until now. But as we became friends, I became curious about it. I wished to know the pleasure you gave your partners.'

'I hope I've satisfied your curiousity.' Jamie smiled.

'Most certainly. But I am afraid I am no longer willing to share you with others.'

My mate laugh as he felt my intention to tease. 'Don't worry, my best. I am yours for life. I always was, you know. Those people were just to practice on until you were ready.'

I acknowledged this truth before focusing on another concern. 'How did you know you could withstand my need for emotions?'

Jamie began answering my question with one of his own. 'Do you realize how much that need has been reduced since I came on board?'

I nodded. 'It is at the lowest that it has ever been.'

Jamie caressed my hair. 'That's because you've been feeding from me every day.'

'I have not.' My voice was sharp. I was rather offended that he believed I would do that without his permission.

'Yes, you have.' Jamie chuckled. 'You're doing it right now. It's not enough to hurt even the weakest of people, but I think it's enough to help stablize you and keep you healthy. You only need more when you're stressed. But don't let that fact stop you from feeding from me whenever you want.'

I looked into my mind, which was no longer the dark, shadowy place it once was. I did not have to fight to interpret my own emotions, as I had in the past. Nor was I blocked from seeing my mate's. He was correct, there was a slow stream of feelings going from his mind to mine, giving me a sense of calm. My being was taking from his as if it was entitled to.

'You are, my best. You can take whatever you want, whenever you want it.' Jamie pushed more emotions toward me, halting my attempt to stop the stream.

'My father would object to this,' I said softly as I left the bed and stood up, needing to put some space between us. 'His code has been my guide these many years, and it has been an adequate aide.'

Jamie tried to soothe me through the bond. 'I know Sarek had planned your life for you. He did a good job, too. You were surviving incredibly well.'

He rose and faced me. 'But that's all you could do, survive. I was stuck, too, until I came to the Enterprise.

'The bond has freed us from that impasse, though. We have both grown so much that Sarek's rules no longer apply. Just as my guidelines about who to have sex with no longer apply to me.'

'Then what does apply?' I asked, feeling as if I no longer had a tether to the universe, nothing to direct my behavior. This was frightening for me, as I had never been alone like this before.

'You aren't alone, Spock. You'll never be alone again.' Jamie kissed my shoulder before explaining, 'Most humans take each day as it comes and adapt.'

He held up his hand as I started to protest. 'I know you need a structure. So let's create one. What do you think the rules should be?' He guided me to a chair and sat on the floor before me. 'Tell me.'

'I should look to you for guidance in social situations.' I said softly, acknowledging his wisdom in this area.

My mate nodded with a smile. 'But don't ignore your instincts. Your arguments keep Bones in line better than I ever could.'

His compliment warmed me as I continued. 'Surak's teachings should be used to control my emotions.'

This, Jamie accepted solemnly, as he understood the Vulcan need for logic. However, he would not let it get in the way of our growth.

'Except around me. I want to be able to access your true feelings. They're the best information to use when you're confused about others' emotions. And I need to feel your love.' He rubbed my leg softly.

'And I need to feel yours. But I do not want to hurt you.' I bowed my head, still chagrined by my lack of control during my need.

'Have I shown any signs of pain when you fed from me?' Jamie asked logically.

'No, but I have hurt others.'

'Because they resisted. So we should institute a few rules for me as well. The first of them is to not resist when you are feeding. Of course, I won't.' He chuckled. 'It feels too good. If I don't resist, then you mustn't stop taking from me.'

He thought for a moment as he took my hand. 'I think that's enough rules for now. We can make others as we need. Are you okay with what we have so far?'

'I will obey your code,' I agreed, sending my contentment through the bond.

Jamie sent his joy back to me. 'Our code, my best.' He raised himself up to his knees and kissed me softly. 'Time for you to report to McCoy. He's worried about you. He wasn't sure what pon farr would do to that hybrid body of yours. I'll be on the bridge, checking in with everyone else.'

'I will join you there when I am finished in sickbay, Captain.' I said formally.

Jamie stood and kissed me again. 'I'll be waiting, my love.'

With one last wave of affection along the bond, we started our day, the first day of our life together.

* * *

end part 14 and story


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